Now I know that many of you frequent visitors here are duly coupled and matrimonified, but many of us are not (or can't be outside of the Commonwealth of Mass.), and some of us live in areas where meeting those to whom we are potentially attracted is difficult, particularly if one is allergic to cigarette smoke, and/or beer....both in my case. Many of us have therefore, turned to internet based social organizations, chat rooms, and online personals.

As one who has dabbled in online personals for more years than some of you have been eating solid foods, I have a few time-tested tips when it comes to posting a pic for the peeps to peruse...

1. If the picture was taken in the 20th century (or before, Mr. Eastman, you randy old coot you), you are engaging in consumer fraud. Do you think you will miraculously shed that decade and a half walking in the door of the Starbucks to meet?

2. Any photo where either (1) the mirrored reflection of a digital camera or (2) one's genitalia (or both) is present should be reserved for private exchange. We don't want to see what the inside of your...bathroom....looks like until we know you better.

3. Webcam photos shall be avoided. First, their limited resolution would make even Jude Law look tired and old...and second...they make us think of you sitting there all day be-- um SHOWing off for every perv in the solar system...Ignore this rule only if you are seeking to attract extraterrestrial sexaholics.

4. The photo of you with the ex...regardless of gender...shall be avoided. We don't want to have to start comparing ourselves to him/her until we've at least seen the clothes s/he bought you and therefore already have good reason to feel superior. Extra points off if the photo of the ex's face is mangled electronically or otherwise...Photoshop has a crop function...use it!

5. If you tend to be of the more full figured form, avoid photos of you wearing the following: a speedo, any item of clothing tight enough that portions disappear as a result of bulges overlapping from above, a thong, any leather harness or similar strap-based devise that is tight enough to leave one's skin sufficiently furrowed as to mimic an auto accident re-enactment poster.

6. Regardless of your size, avoid photos which depict you wearing any of the following: ball caps which are also beer can recepticals, thongs, any item of clothing with visible bodily fluid stains of any kind, any item of clothing not originally intended as head gear being worn as such, a retainer, a truss, or any item of clothing memorable for having been worn by Madonna in any music video.

7. Natural light is always best, avoid those pix of you lit by the glow of the beer signs hanging in your den.

8. Photos of animals, including humans--and presumably that includes you, engaged in coitus or other acts which would cross the line between Showtime and the Spice Channel are virtually always in poor taste. If you would like to pre-certify such photos...my email address is....um...nevermind.

9. If you post a picture of someone else and try to pretend you are this person, it is a good idea to avoid: dead people, oscar winners, English-speaking heads of state, convicted felons, in-costume press photos of characters from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and animated characters, unless of course you are yourself a copyrighted 2-dimensional drawing in search of similar companionship.

10. Mugshots and paparazzi pics from your criminal trial are to be avoided, and this includes you Messrs. Jackson and Simpson.