She is 82, lives alone. She cooks dinner for me quarterly. We talk every Sunday when she is here. She is a rock.

She was feeling poorly a few weeks ago and missed a Sunday. I called. "I'm on antibiotics," she said, "but they aren't sure what it is." She ended the call quickly, as is her want.

That same week, one other member was having open heart surgery and his wife was as skittish and fragile as an injured starling. Another member was just laid off for the third time in 18 months and another has a daughter who is at risk of losing her apartment and possibly her kids to CPS.

I did what we do. I did triage. I split my time in such a way to spend most of my time with the couple, and doing some care with the two women with life crises. I went 5 days without talking to the octagenarian.

And now, two weeks later, I get a tongue lashing from my octagenerian...any pastor's she's ever had would have come over...she needed to talk about her fears. (not something she ever told me) She was hurt and disappointed that I did not come over.

I'm trying not to have a pastoral crisis here. I know I still see home visits as my least favorite kind of pastoral care, and I'm also trying not to be defensive about what I thought were decent triage skills. on top of all of that there is that niggling feeling that I'm not being "enough" of a servant--that after almost 2 years I've become complacent and too protective of personal time--and yes, I hear my CPE lessons in my head and know that time is crucial. But the "bad pastor" messages are still there too.

I guess what it all boils down to is that I feel terrible for not having been there when she needed me...and feel terrible that I have disappointed her, even as I see and know that the rest of those in crisis that week got the best I could give them.



When does this get easier?