Ondine

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Ondine
She's got everything she needs, She's an artist, she don't look back. She's got everything she needs, She's an artist, she don't look back. She can take the dark out of the nighttime And paint the daytime black. --Bob Dylan

2005-08-19 9:45 AM
Angela leaving, minus three days

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All there is left to do is take Angela's drawings to the framers and pack. Former doing today, latter Sunday. We went to dinner really late last night, just Angela, Joe, and me. Joe sat next to his sister. First time in months he sat with her and not next to me. Was good. I could look at both of them, my glorious kids.

Doctors have cut back Joe's meds again--second time in two weeks. He's still been sleepy and Dr. Mik says it is because he's no longer having the mood swings or becoming deeply agitated, so the lithium and other meds are sedating him instead of stabilizing him. That is such good news.

We went to Rocky Cola and were dancing in our seats and singing along with the tunes from the juke box and laughing. Just the three of us.

Angela is flying home on the 9th and Danielle is going to try and come down on the 26th and go to Disneyland with us. My friend Annie is flying into LA the same time I am returning on the 26th. We are meeting at the airport and taking the shuttle home together, then she is staying with me four a few days. She looks like Angela.

Angela took the adult class, last night. We were paired together for combos, etc. Fred taught which sucked big time, but working out with Angela was so sweet. We've never done that before. We got a little goofy, but worked out too. Was wonderful. She will be back for her friend Paige's next test.

David is more and more distant. It reminds me of when his father died. He just shut down emotionally. His lack of connection is directly proportional to the pain he is feeling, I think. I called him, though, and he's taking Angela out to dinner tonight. She and I have been talking about him a lot. She understands that this is his problem, not hers, that he loves her but is so crippled he can't show it. I can't help it, but I grieve for his loss, for what he is missing.

The bittersweetness of this moment when she is going, it is overwhelming and painful, yes, but I am so proud of her and excited for her. Her wings spread wide. I can let her go.

I met with Joe's counselor. It was great. My being at the school all last spring, carrying him to his classes, holding him as he cried and fell apart in the school office, has made me a legend at the school. I walked in for my appointment and secretaries came over and hugged me, called me their hero. Then Mr. Aryo, the counselor, took me to his office and we sat down and worked out a dream schedule for Joe. Everyone is on the same page, Aryo, Mrs. Roberts the school psychologist, Dr. Miklusak, me, Joe. Our goal is to get him well and strong. School is necessary but a means to that end now. Aryo searched out the best teachers, set Joe up so he goes to school from second period through fifth. He's taking basic courses and woodwork, all with the kindest teachers. He doesn't have to take P.E.--Aryo told me all the gym teachers are monsters who will send Joe into relapse. He will have four periods and that's it. I came home and told Joe and he was so happy. I think we are going to make it.

I've been having fun doing Salon.com and talking to (gulps) men. A couple of them have asked to meet for coffee. I am terrified, but excited.

Stood alone on a mountain top,
Starin’ out at the great divide
I could go east, I could go west,
It was all up to me to decide
Just then I saw a young hawk flyin’
And my soul began to rise
And pretty soon
My heart was singin’

Roll, roll me away,
I’m gonna roll me away tonight
Gotta keep rollin, gotta keep ridin’,
Keep searchin’ till I find what’s right
And as the sunset faded
I spoke to the faintest first starlight
And I said next time
Next time
We’ll get it right

--Bob Seger, Roll Me Away

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