Ondine

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Ondine
She's got everything she needs, She's an artist, she don't look back. She's got everything she needs, She's an artist, she don't look back. She can take the dark out of the nighttime And paint the daytime black. --Bob Dylan

2005-09-03 11:56 PM
Joe

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The toughtest part is knowing that in the end, Joe is going to have to find the happy in himself. Regardless of cats disappearing, or boredom, or homework. He is going to have to dig himself out of the depression and fight to not sink back in. And he's going to have to make the choice to do so. I can't do it for him. Finding Tor, healing Joe. I can't do these things. They are out of my control. Bad things just happen. I say to him, regardless of the external, you can be happy inside, but he can't--not yet--because he is sick. It's like telling a person with cancer to just get well.

The burden never leaves me. If I take some time off from him, I feel guilty and I worry. I call him and he will say he's down or not to good. His voice is so quiet on the phone. I am always carrying him. I want my boy back the way he was before this. I feel selfish, because I want him healthy so I will be free of the burden. I want him well for me as much as I do for him.

I have to hold on to the reality that he is better. He went through a week of school with Tor missing, and only one day absent. He's articulating to his teachers how he is feeling and he's doing his homework. He spent the day with Michael and two other boys Michael is helping. He didn't need me to come home and I was gone all day. He's eating lunch with his friends and turning to Mrs. Roberts when he goes down at school. Tor disappearing has been terrible, but he's still functioning. I need to remember all this. It helps writing it here.

My parents are taking him out tomorrow. They are going to take him to Frye's and get him a synthesizer for his bday. I am hoping it will get him out of the gaming/perfection/competitive/meditation obsession cycle and into being creative with music for himself.

I have another date, tomorrow. Lunch with Dennis. He's so smart and funny, I hope there's chemistry there.

Today was a so fun. Had a great breakfast with Meg and Dave. Worked hard and I think we all got a lot out of it. Had so much fun with Jenn. 40 Year Old Virgin was just the sweetest movie, and the ending was soooo funny.

Checkers, the new kitten is hanging with me. She is sitting in front of me now, watching the screen.

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