Ondine

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Ondine
She's got everything she needs, She's an artist, she don't look back. She's got everything she needs, She's an artist, she don't look back. She can take the dark out of the nighttime And paint the daytime black. --Bob Dylan

2005-09-07 11:19 AM
Hill Street Blues

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Joe and I go to Hill Street Cafe every morning before school. We have breakfast and talk things out. He cries a lot of the time. Now, it's over Tor being gone. The waiters and bus boys have gotten to know us and always look concern. They know Joe likes his coffee mug filled three quarters of the way without us asking. Home gets extended again.

Come, all you who are not satisfied
as ruler in a lone,
wallpapered room full of mute birds,
and flowers that falsely bloom,
and closets choked with dreams that long ago died
Come, let us sweep the old streets--like a bride;
sweep out dead leaves with a relentless broom;
prepare for Spring, as though he were our groom
for whose light footstep eagerly we bide.
We'll sweep out shadows, where the rats long fed;
sweep out our shame--and in its place we'll make a bower for love,
a splendid marriage-bed
fragrant with flowers aquiver for the Spring.
And when he comes,
our murdered dreams shall wake;
and when he comes,
all the mute birds shall sing.

Michael Sahl - Aaron Kramer

My room in the old house, my study, had wall paper with little birds. I'd listen to that song and think about the tomb I was living in. My only release was in the games, in the characters I'd write. All the intimacy, romance, love, friendship was on my computer. I hid there behind my fat, my marriage, behind a husband who was unconnected to me and the children. I hid for so long. Now I am sweeping the cobwebs and my shame away relentlessly. I don't know about the marriage bed, but I do feel all aquiver and sweet and my dreams are waking and the birds are singing in the trees of my new house, not on the wall paper in my tomb.

Joe and I went online to look at the cats found at Pasadena animal shelter. We found a black one with yellow eyes, just like Tor. We went to the shelter and they took us to the cat. They told us it had gone feral and wouldn't let anyone touch it. When they took it out of its cage and let me hold it, it curled into my arms and started purring. Joe and I were crying, it's Tor, it's Tor. Then they told us it was female. We decided we didn't care. It's still Tor. :-) We told them it's our cat and took it home. So, Joe and I kidnapped a cat from the humane society under false pretenses! We are calling this cat Almost, since she is almost Tor. She isn't feral, but has an abscess on her tail. It broke last night, which is good, but I'll take her to the vet when Joe gets out of school. She cuddled with Michael and me last night. I hope we can get her acclimatized with Whimsy. She has no claws. :-( Some rat bastard pulled her claws then abandonned her. Poor kitty. She's mine now.

Joe's grief over Tor is overwhelming him. I think it's a cover for his feelings about his dad. Easier to dwell on a lost cat than an lost father. I am worried he's not going to make it at LCHS, that I'll have to get him into Foothills school or somewhere else. Dr. Zachary is looking for an advocate to help me deal with the bureaucracy at the high school.

Danielle is coming home tomorrow and Angela is coming home Friday!!! Yay!! I miss my girls so much.

Dennis says I take in wounded birds and wonders why. I think it's the way I cope with my own grief. Turning it around and I get some sense of control. I couldn't save my marriage, but I can rescue a cat or a teenager.

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