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Ondine She's got everything she needs, She's an artist, she don't look back. She's got everything she needs, She's an artist, she don't look back. She can take the dark out of the nighttime And paint the daytime black. --Bob Dylan 2006-03-08 11:46 AM Survivor Guilt Previous Entry :: Next Entry Read/Post Comments (0) |
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Talked in therapy today about feeling guilty about being so happy now. My family is still in shambles over the divorce. Joe is still so sick. David is lost, his voice on the phone small bitter, hurt. Angela is brave, rallying, but hurt. They are all hurt, damaged. My sister in law Vicky is very ill, maybe dying. I believe because of this. She was always frail and lived vicariously through our 'happy family' facade. Now it's gone and there's nothing for her. I hit the ground running. I take care of everyone, protect them, fix things again and again, but inside me, separate from them all, I am happy fullfilled. I write poetry, work on my novel, love people. Laugh. I have my soul back. I am comfortable financially, don't have to ever have to get a job again. It's always been this way. I was the favored daughter. I believe I stayed fat so my sisters would have something about which to pity me and feel better about themselves. I've always loved the challenges, rose to them, succeeded at them. It's the after stuff I am baffled with. How to relax and enjoy it. How not to be afraid of envy, meteors crashing, empty fortune cookies. My therapist says it's where you land on the bell curve, luck of the draw. One sister died, one barely makes it but survives. I hit the ground running, always landing on my feet. Makes me think of Teela Brown from Ringworld, bred for good luck. |
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