Crippling snow

Most cities in the U.S. get hit with a big winter storm that slows down the city for a few days each winter. But some cities clearly handle it better than others. Unfortunately for me, Chicago shits the bed when it comes to snow management.

Man, I don't know where I've been. I'm so lazy when it comes to this thing. So we're going to pump it up around here. Funk up the jam a bit. Hit the ground running...

First things first: J-School has restarted, and 8-10 inches of snow fell over Chicago.

That's right -- we were all caught in the middle of a Calcutta Clipper. Northeast winds, brining the moisture and moderate temperatures from Lac De Michigan swirled with the cold dry air from the Northwest, making for a pretty good time.

Chicagoans handle their snow better than I expected they would --- the residents at least (you know, no real complaining or bitching about it) --- but when it comes to the city's management of snow? Well, that's a different story, my friend.

Let me outline a few things on Chicago's management of big snowfalls:

First, don't plan on any roads other than the expressways through the city to be plowed regularly. I live near a major intersection in Lincoln Park -- two relatively big thoroughfares -- and neither one has been plowed yet (at least not correctly.) It's nearly impossible to cross the street without getting swampfoot because of this poor snow management.

And the side streets where reisdents are forced to park? Forget it. If your car is parked on the side of the street - good luck in getting it out - and if you do get it out? Good luck getting it back in, or even finding a parking spot for that matter. You see, when the snow near the pavement begins to melt, and cars grind it into driven slush, it begins to splatter towards the sides of the streets and refreezing, thus creating a frozen gray wall of snow and slush protecting and inhibiting movement of the cars behind it. So, to free your 2-wheel-drive car from frozen hell, you must rock it back and forth until you break free and break out of the wall. It's a real pain in the ass. With a little thought, Chicago could greatly improve this problem.

CLOSED CIRCUIT TO Dick M. Daley: Announce a strategy called a "Snow emergency." 24-48 hours after the storm passes, don't allow people to park on the main arteries. Plow, sand and salt them. 48-72 hours after the storm, don't allow people to park on the EVEN sides of the street. Plow, sand and salt them. 72-96 hours after the storm passes, don't allow parking on the ODD sides of the street. Plow, sand and salt them. PROBLEM SOLVED.

Oh, I'm not done yet. You want to talk sidewalks? Arrgghhh! In a regular city block, there are roughly 12 residences along one side of the street. On a regular city block in Chicago, count on 7 of the 12 people to shovel. Count on 2 of those 7 to actually do a good job at it.

In Chicago, the weather is usually moderate enough so the snow doesn't have an incredible amount of staying power. With all of the cars and people trampling over it day after day, and the so-called "urban heat island," Snow turns quickly into a driven, dirty slush. Then -- yeah you guessed it --- it freezes into rough ice, which is a real treat to traverse in a nice pair of shoes. Basically in Chicago, snow cripples every form of transportation: Public, car and by foot. It sucks.

I'll just brush over this whole "dibs" thing on parking spots, since it isn't endemic to my neighborhood, but really, Chicagoans are a bunch of nepotistic, me-first, big babies and assholes. There's a time-honored tradition of placing old junk in the place of "your" parking spot along the street. Once you've shoveled out your spot (which takes about 100 calories and 2 whopping minutes), you throw a couple of sawhorses or old chairs on it laying your claim. Keep in mind that these are normal city streets -- and these assholes are "claiming" them for their own use only. Arrgghh!

Perhaps Chicago should send an official to Minneapolis for a winter to see how to CORRECTLY MANAGE their snow, but then again, that city has a whopping 2 inches this year -- a 114-year low.

So, for now, I guess I'm resigned to sitting in my apartment banging my head against my desk hoping that the beauty of winter melts away sooner than I estimate.

Have a good weekend, and don't forget to spade or neuter your pet.