Wow--what a day. I mean, killer scoops for you on all kinds of fronts here.

First--1 more regular or larger sub from Quizno's and I get a free one. A lot of you out there doubted me, and I proved you wrong. Well, not yet, I guess. But if I get another Quizno's sub within the next 5 days, I'll get a free sub. That's right, I've had Quizno's 3 times in January so far. Steakhouse dip, classic Italian, Steakhouse dip. One more for the freebie. I'm not yet sure what it will be. But I will get it. Take that, Jerrod. Asshole.

My team won a trivia contest in town tonight, earning us the respect of our peers. As the jubilant masses celebrated the victory, I realized that these people actually belived me to be a deity. What Pink Floyd album features a California lake on the inside of the album? No, not 'Dark Side of the Moon,' dipshit, the answer is 'Wish you Were Here.'

I attended a trial today where the judge called the plaintaif an 'Indian giver.' Actually, he said, 'I suppose it would be politically incorrect to call you an Indian giver.' But he still did it. I really almost burst out laughing.

Now, what he meant by 'Indian giving' was giving something to someone, and then taking it back. It really fits the Native Americans, who were raped by white men, then stuck on reservations. Shameless indigenous bastards.

In light of recent events, I would like to modify the negative connotations of 'Indian giving.' I would suggest that it should mean giving large sums of money to an orthodox Jewish man in a fedora who then funnels it to the Republican party. Don't like it? I could crush you.

Speaking of Subway Jerrod, I really hate the man. I mean, I would probably be willing to do 3-5 in hard time to make sure he could never speak again. It's great that he lost weight and all, although the commercials would be much funnier if he still weighed 400 pounds. I just think he sucks. In fact, 47 states have passed legislation allowing hate crimes against him. North Dakota, California and Canada--you're on notice.

Hey, you know how some people say people in the Middle East don't actually want democracy? Well, those Palestinians sure proved them wrong--by electing a religious fundamentalist terrorist organization that wants to destroy Israel and establish a theocracy. Without democracy, terrorists had to overthrow the government and couldn't be elected into office. Thank god we have democracy to protect the rights of terrorists.

Am I the only one who's excited about Big Momma's House 2?