The media totally sucks!

Or, at least, that's the message I'm getting from a bunch of irate callers this week. I, of course, would beg to differ. Allow me to share a few of these calls with you.

First, yesterday, a man who often calls in when he has nothing better to do called in, as he had nothing better to do. He criticized the media for reporting that some illegal immigrants pay taxes. He called the IRS, he said, who ensured him that illegals could not obtain the necessary documents for paying taxes.

Of course, I thought, our government could never be fooled. Nor could anyone illegally obtain citizenship papers--what next, millions of Americans being victimized by identity theft? Ha.

I asked him what specific news organization had irritated him. FOX News, he replied. Watching FOX News was your first mistake, I said. He was not amused.

FOX News at least shows both sides of the debate, he said, unlike CNN. That Wolf "Blisser" ain't no good. Indeed. FOX is known for its fair and balancedness, and sending its people to work directly for the White House. Very impartial.

I got off the phone with him.

Today, a woman called in. She happened to be a woman identified in an article about two drunken men, one of whom slit the other's dog's throat. The other then beat him with a lead pipe. She was dating the other.

The writer of the article (not I) had mispelled one of the gentlemen's names. In her mind, this was good cause to talk to a lawyer. Nothing is more libelous than wrongly spelling the first name of a man poised to do some decent jail time. After hearing an earful from her and transferring her off to someone else, I thought my woes would be done for the day. Not so.

With about a half hour left for me to finish up an article I was working on, a woman called me up. She was one of six people I had interviewed a few weeks earlier for an article about a local community service organization. She had been on vacation and returned to see my article.

"It was well written," she said.

"Thanks," I said.

At this point she criticized me for not directly quoting any women in the article. When I arrived at the interview, I was greeted by three men and a woman. The woman was a pretentious blowhard who always thought she had something important to say. Not so. The caller and another woman came in for the final 5 minutes of an hourlong interview. I had already got my story (which they had contacted me for as they were looking for publicity) and was not thinking, gee, this article really needs a woman's voice to describe the bullshit job they do.

I told the caller I had not consciously decided to keep women out of my article.

"That's even worse," she said.

"You're pretty ridiculous," I replied.

She was not happy. How old am I, she asked? I'm 24, I said. What would I say if her 24-year-old daughter called in and complained rather than her, a 60-year-old, she asked?

I don't know, I said. Is she hot? No, actually I didn't say that.

I would probably say she was also being ridiculous, I said.

Thank you, she said, and called my editor.

My editor, a woman, assured her that I have no male agenda.

I better not get any crackpot calls tomorrow.

Haven't seen Colbert's White House video yet? Watch it.