There's a lot of talk from National Geographic and Discovery Channel folk about how smart dolphins supposedly are. This is rubbish.

Now, don't get me wrong. Dolphins have some smarts -- they can communicate with each other and are particularly adept at catching fish. But so is, say, Tom Hanks (Castaway, anyone?) And I have yet to read anything published by a dolphin, or see a Web site ran by one.

I've also yet to see a dolphin use any kind of weapon that we wouldn't consider completely primitive. Cynics will say, "Oh well, I've also never seen dolphins use biological or nuclear weapons on each other." Fair enough -- people have done some pretty stupid things with weapons of mass destruction. But what if aliens were to attack? Would you really want dolphins in charge of protecting the planet? What would they do in an Independence Day scenario?

The answer: nothing. Can you picture a dolphin flying a fighter jet against our alien attackers? No, no you can't. In real life, even Randy Quaid (this is freaking Cousin Eddy we're talking about here) figured out how to take down a massive alien vessel. I'd like to see a dolphin sacrifice himself to save millions of others by piloting a missile-loaded plane into an alien starship. Not going to happen. The smartest dolphin in no way approaches the intelligence exhibited by a half-witted alcoholic.

If you look closely at a dolphin, you can sometimes see bite marks on its tail -- from big fucking sharks. Hey, dolphin jerks, have you ever considered not living in the same habitat as sharks? Humans have. Up yours. I mean, like us, you stupid dolphins require air to live. You know what would make this easier? If you didn't live underwater, dumbshits.

So the next time you want to tell me about how smart dolphins are, show me some damn proof. Point me to the Taj Mahal the dolphins built. Or to the dolphin Great Wall. Or Statue of Dolphin Liberty. Or even an adobe hut built by dolphins, for chrissakes. I ain't seen one. Meditate on that.