Alright y'all, I know it's been entirely too long since I updated this thing. For that, I apologize. I know you don't be paying your hard-earned money to this site to go six months without an update. I'm also sorry for depriving the world of that beacon of light that is my genius for so long. My humble apologies.

It's a new year, though, and I resolve to pay more attention to this blog. Believe me, I get your fan mail and I'm like, I should update the site. But it's just so busy with the record company always hollering at me and the tv deal in the works. But I resolve to pay more attention to the people who helped get me to where I am in the first place. It's actually just one part of my overall resolution of self-betterment. Among the other mini-resolutions making up the main one:

I resolve to never again look a German in the eyes and believe a god damned thing coming out of his mouth. They've burned us too many times before.

I resolve to stop dealing outside of elementary schools. Those little bastards rarely have any money anyway.

I resolve to stop giving Canadian quarters to the homeless. (Yes, technically, the Canadian dollar is worth more than the American dollar at the moment, but nonetheless, nobody accepts them in America.)

I resolve to stop filing lawsuits against the United Negro College Fund for turning down my application.

I resolve to beat a Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock song on expert. That shit is hard.

I resolve to stop waterboarding the neighborhood kids. (Unless they walk on my grass or try to pawn those damned girl scout cookies on me).

I resolve to deny, now more than ever, Luxembourg's right to exist. I mean, it's entirely surrounded by another fucking country. And your population is less than half a million people. That would be like Long Beach going up to California and saying, "we want to be our own country." Get over yourself.

I resolve not to cook on the Shabbos.

Alright, that's enough for now. I'll be back.