I'd originally thought of posting this as a reply to Haddayr's comment but realized it really deserved an entry of its own.

The good news is that Shawn is very loving and supportive. He's wonderful with kids and will make an excellent father.

The bad news is that the long term plans for both his future and the future of our family currently require that he be in school for the next 6? 7? 8? years, meaning that he simply won't be able to be around very much.

This sucks.

So far, one of the more difficult aspects of seeing him mostly on weekends (second to missing him, of course) is that it feels like every minute together needs to be Quality Time. I feel guilty if we don't do something special together. If, for whatever reason, I'm in the middle of a project that doesn't involve him, I feel like there's something wrong with me for wanting some time to myself when he's around, and that guilt isn't healthy. Unless we set up channels of communication and preparation, it's going to get worse after adding a child to the mix.

I've found (okay, so Dad pointed it out and I agree) that, in order to have a balanced life, you need to prioritize satisfaction of basic needs in the following order:

1. Self
2. Partner
3. Family
4. Work/School

Although there will obviously be times and circumstances when one of the areas lower on the list will take precedence, if you consistently mess with the order of how you take care of things, life has a tendency to be a lot more stressful.

I understand that, for the first few (or several) months, the baby will take primary precedence over our lives. After all, this is the most important time in a child's life to feel secure and loved, and we need to meet all of his or her needs as quickly as possible to set the foundation for the rest of his or her life. Fortunately, Shawn's trying to make arrangements with his teachers to possibly take finals early so that, after I deliver, he'll be off school for nearly four months during this crucial period. (Yay!)

His being around will make it much easier to take breaks from baby to look after items 2 and 1: some time together as a couple (even though we'll be settling into our new role as Parents, I still think it important to be a loving Couple first and foremost) and even a little time for each of us to reconnect with ourselves on an individual basis.

The challenge will be keeping up this balance when he's only home on weekends. I'll be honest: there's part of me that envisions my having worked and been with the baby all week and just wanting to hand off the kid (knowing that Shawn will be thrilled to spend time with his child) and sleep the entire weekend -- but that's not what I want. Okay, I may be craving the sleep thing, but I'm concerned about the long-term effects on the relationship if I give in to the easy way.

What I'm hoping will happen is that Shawn and I will be in contact throughout that week so that we know how each of us is feeling so we can make at least tentative plans for how to divvy (sp?) up the weekend. It may be that he has a really rough mid-term he needs to study for. There may be a special movie coming out that we'd need to coordinate viewings. We may want to spend purely threesome time cuddling baby. The point is that, without talking about it beforehand, agreeing on priorities and coming up with alternatives for greatest flexibility, things can so easily get mixed up and tense from miscommunication and misunderstandings and not realizing that the other person isn't working with the same assumptions you are. I'd much prefer working things out together.

Right now, one of our greatest potential logistical difficulties is transportation. When we bought the AWD Saturn VUE last summer, we'd talked about how nice it would be to not have to wear chains when it snowed. Although I'm very emotionally attached to my Little White Car, the truth is that it's a clunker, and I'm really not happy about driving it on icy roads. Shawn said that he actually liked the idea of riding his bike to campus because motorcycles were given much better parking. If the weather were inclement down the hill, he'd just take Grandpa's old car to school, and he'd either catch rides home or I'd come pick him up like I used to.

During the summer and fall, there was no problem with my driving Little White Car around town, but we've finally started getting snow. (Yay!) Unfortunately, things have significantly changed. My uncle gave his car to his daughter, so Grandpa's car is now needed around the house for errands. Since Shawn's dad died, he's been visiting with his mom in Lakewood nearly every week, a commute which is not recommended during rush hour on a motorcycle. And it's been pouring rain down the hill. In short: he needs the car.

Okay, I can deal with being occasionally housebound. I've got friends with 4WD who can take me to work and help me pick up groceries or whatever. Soon comes another complication: baby.

The VUE has the new LATCH system, where you can install the base of a baby seat by snapping it securely into the car and take just the carrier itself in and out. This is very cool. As I said above, Shawn will be home for the first several months, so we'll have the advantage of the system.

We actually have a regular, convertible (baby/toddler/booster) car seat that we bought when Jess came out to visit us with Jonathan a couple of years ago. Fortunately, the Little White Car does have a middle belt in the back seat, and by the time the wee one is four months old, I'm hoping he/she will be able to use the regular car seat rather than one specifically for infants. This should be fine -- until it starts to snow again.

Y'know, we really can't afford to buy another car. I found out last month that the 12 weeks of half-pay maternity leave I was hoping for isn't going to materialize because the school district doesn't participate in the state disability program. Fortunately, I've got some sick time coming to me and I'm trying to work extra hours now to build up some savings, but it's still going to be really tight.

On the plus side, we will have paid off our consolidation loan in December, so that's a significant charge of a monthly bill we won't have over our heads any more. I'd hoped to start being able to pay down our credit cards, but it may be that we have to invest in, say, a used Subaru Forester or something for me up the hill. (Shawn gets the VUE because he fits in it.)

If it's not one thing, it's another.

Anyway, I'm sure things will work out, one way or another. At least life isn't boring.

---

QotD

If God sends you down a stony path, may he give you strong shoes.
-- Irish proverb