Moods
Mood:
determined
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Okay, I'm doing better now.
One of the down sides of seeing Shawn is that I become so easily accustomed to his presence that I feel the loss all over again when he leaves.
When he's home, even if he's in a different room, I can still feel his presence, and all is well with the world.
When he's not, I feel like there's part of me that's continually roaming disembodied through the house like a lost puppy, looking for him.
I sometimes get these moods when I feel so alone and overwhelmed I just curl up and cry. This is when I hate being pregnant. I hate being tired and awkward and cranky and none of my clothes fit and I'm all alone and surrounded by so many things that need to be done and I can't do anything. Part of me knows I'm being self-indulgent, and then I realize all over again that, three months from now, I'll probably never get a chance to be self-indulgent again because I'll be A Mother and moms can never get sick and never sleep in or decide to flake on the laundry for another week because someone else will be depending upon me. Yeah, it's hyperbolic, but that's how I get.
The thing is, I don't like being pathetic. I can only curl up for so long before I start going Wait a minute. Is this really who you want to be?
The fact is, I like the idea of someone taking care of me. I love when Shawn holds me because he keeps me safe and makes me feel so loved. But wanting to be taken care of is different from needing to be taken care of, and I don't want to be a helpless waif, unable to tie my shoes without help.
So I break it down into basics. Circle of Influence, I tell myself. Quit worrying about the crap you can't affect and concentrate on what you can do. Maybe you're too tired to clean the entire house, but you can do a load or two of laundry today and put away the clean clothes. Maybe tomorrow you can file some of those paid bills that have stacked up. And the day after that, who knows? Just start with the laundry.
And I get up and shower and go to work and actually get some stuff done.
The funny thing is that, once I get moving and feel better about myself and what I've accomplished, I start to feel Shawn again. When he's down the hill, the bonds between us are stretched more thinly, but they're still there. When I'm centered, the connection is obvious, regardless of distance.
And no matter where he is, I know I'm never alone.
QotD
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
-- Anais Nin
One of the down sides of seeing Shawn is that I become so easily accustomed to his presence that I feel the loss all over again when he leaves.
When he's home, even if he's in a different room, I can still feel his presence, and all is well with the world.
When he's not, I feel like there's part of me that's continually roaming disembodied through the house like a lost puppy, looking for him.
I sometimes get these moods when I feel so alone and overwhelmed I just curl up and cry. This is when I hate being pregnant. I hate being tired and awkward and cranky and none of my clothes fit and I'm all alone and surrounded by so many things that need to be done and I can't do anything. Part of me knows I'm being self-indulgent, and then I realize all over again that, three months from now, I'll probably never get a chance to be self-indulgent again because I'll be A Mother and moms can never get sick and never sleep in or decide to flake on the laundry for another week because someone else will be depending upon me. Yeah, it's hyperbolic, but that's how I get.
The thing is, I don't like being pathetic. I can only curl up for so long before I start going Wait a minute. Is this really who you want to be?
The fact is, I like the idea of someone taking care of me. I love when Shawn holds me because he keeps me safe and makes me feel so loved. But wanting to be taken care of is different from needing to be taken care of, and I don't want to be a helpless waif, unable to tie my shoes without help.
So I break it down into basics. Circle of Influence, I tell myself. Quit worrying about the crap you can't affect and concentrate on what you can do. Maybe you're too tired to clean the entire house, but you can do a load or two of laundry today and put away the clean clothes. Maybe tomorrow you can file some of those paid bills that have stacked up. And the day after that, who knows? Just start with the laundry.
And I get up and shower and go to work and actually get some stuff done.
The funny thing is that, once I get moving and feel better about myself and what I've accomplished, I start to feel Shawn again. When he's down the hill, the bonds between us are stretched more thinly, but they're still there. When I'm centered, the connection is obvious, regardless of distance.
And no matter where he is, I know I'm never alone.
QotD
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
-- Anais Nin
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