At the beginning of the year, I talked about wanting to make progress in my life. So how have I done so far?

Eh.

Still not getting enough sleep. I can focus on some things, some of the time. I need to find my digital timer again, because a friend turned me on to the (10+2)*5 method of breaking up work and play, and it helped a lot.

But there have been other things going on as well. I realized that I'd been waiting for Shawn to finish his schooling down the hill so he could again be part of my world -- except that, when it comes down to it, what I really want is for us to share our lives, however that may be, and it includes my reaching out to be a part of his world.

I realized some things about myself, some ways in which I was still too attached to Ego such that I wasted time and, more importantly, energy in seeking validation from others rather than simply doing what it was right for me to do.

So what is right for me to do?

Some time ago, I read an article on education pointing out that, instead of drilling kids to try to shore up their weaknesses, we should instead build upon their strengths. For example, if a child were really good at reading but sucked at math, by focusing on feeding his love of books, it built up his confidence to the extent that his math scores started to improve as well. Conversely, focusing on doing lots of math ended up frustrating him such that his reading level began to drop.

It's like when I realized that my musical strength is expression. Whether it's voice or piano, there's something about nuance and creating ebb and flow to express the everchanging tides of emotion that calls to me and is why music is so much a part of who I am. I tried playing a synthesizer but it didn't do it for me -- I used to say that you communicate with a piano, but you program a synth. (Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of electronic music I absolutely love -- yes, Keith, this includes yours -- but there is something about the process of creating it that simply doesn't click with me.)

To extrapolate to my life as a whole: I've been worried about being a flake for a very long time. As much as I love coming up and playing with ideas, I'll be honest: follow-through often bores me silly. It's most definitely not my strength. The thing is, I've hated it, felt myself grievously flawed. After all, I know all these people who set goals and actually do stuff, so what the hell is wrong with me that I'm such a flake???

But I'm not. I just value different things.

I love connections -- especially with other people, both my connecting with someone else, and with introducing friends to other people whom I think will enrich their lives and strengthen their world. I love helping people. Most of all, I love being able to see into others' souls, beyond the fears and insecurities, to echo their hearts, and show them how beautiful they truly are. These are the types of things that call to me, fill me with energy and drive me forward, not mere completion of lists of tasks that lead up to narrowly defined goals.

Does this absolve me of the need to do those tasks? If I want to move forward in the world, of course not, no more than I can give up my scales and finger exercises if I want to be able to fully inhabit my music. BUT learning how to most efficiently complete these tasks is a matter of developing skills, not of fixing my flaws.

It's not like this is an entirely new revelation for me. I've long known that I value relationships over checklists and that I find it difficult to identify with all-encompassing goals. Yet, for some reason, some new facet to this understanding fills me with relief. I do have gifts that I bring to the world, even if they're not what our modern society generally considers "successful business traits" or whatever. And accepting this -- yes, it's a conscious acceptance, rather like one might feel awkward in accepting a compliment that is felt undeserved -- frees me from putting my energy into trying to prove to others that I can change such that I can put that energy into simply honing those necessary skills that will help me help others by honoring commitments and all that "boring" follow-through stuff. In short: less worry = more doing.

Maybe I just sometimes need to be reminded.