Bah. Sorry for the absence. I've been stuck in in-service training all week. In-service (for my non-cop readers) is annual training that is mandated by the state in order to keep your POST certification (that's the nifty piece of paper that says I are a real honest-to-gosh cop.)

Ideally, in-service training covers a wide variety of skills and subjects that are pertinent to a deputy's job. Unfortunately, since I am in a pretty specialized field, much of the training didn't have a whole lot to do with my job. Well, except for the hour of in-service that I actually teach. Yep, I teach a one-hour segment on how NOT to fuck up digital evidence. If I can just get it through half of the thick skulls that browsing files on a suspect computer is BAD, then I'll be thrilled.

So, lessee.. I learned about bomb awareness, which was pretty interesting (especially since the instructor threw in a bunch of cool videos of shit being blown up.) Then, umm.. I learned about NIBIN and IBIS... then about radio protocol (I think it's been two years since I've even turned my radio on)... got recertified in CPR (my rant on that will be saved for tomorrow, because I have an enormous rant to rant).

Then today I got certified (for the first time) in the use of the M-26 Taser. In case anyone is unaware, this means that I got tased. Oh boy, was that fun.

Okay, I wussed out slightly when it came to getting tased, though in a more general sense I didn't wuss out at all. Since I don't work in an enforcement capacity I didn't have to get tased at all. However, I was in a class with mostly enforcement personnel, and I used to be enforcement personnel, and I also heard the little whispers that were going around that said that eventually everyone was going to have to get certified anyway, and I started thinking that if it was going to happen anyway, I might as well make a good impression and just suck it up and do it now. The instructors did offer me one compromise which I leaped upon: There are two ways to get tased (for our purposes), which are to have the contacts attached to you (to simulate getting shot with the little fishhook probes) and you then take a 3-5 second "ride", or you can get hit with the taser directly with what is called a drive-stun for as little as 1 second. I was offered the second option since I'm still breastfeeding (I had to leave class twice a day to go do my business) and even though I can't imagine any ill-effect the taser could have on my milk, I wasn't about to complain about being offered the less painful option.

But actually, the thing that clinched my decision to do it at all was the fact that one of the chiefs came down and allowed himself to be tased as well. He said that if he was going to mandate that everyone in his command get tased, then the least he could do was join them. I tell you, my respect for that man tripled because of that. (It should be noted that there are many many captains, majors and other chiefs who have yet to be tased.)

On to the tasing itself. I stood back and watched the ones ahead of me as they got tased. Pretty much everyone's reaction was similar: yell, stiffen up, fall down, then say some naughty words. However, anyone with a medical condition (and I) got the drive-stun. For this we had to lie down on our stomachs with our hands beneath us, and as soon as it hit us we were to put our hands out which is when it would be stopped. So, when it came to my turn, I lay down on my stomach, put my hands under my chest, then felt the taser hit.

Okay, I don't remember feeling it actually hit. I do remember feeling the whitest-hottest-vision-sparkling pain I've ever felt in my life. I yanked my hands out and yelled bloody murder. It stopped, and I yelled, "SHIT!"

And then I got up. That was it. There was residual burning and pain in the area of contact, but that was NOTHING compared to the actual ride, and in fact it had faded away to just about nothing within just a couple of minutes. The welt remained (and is still there) but I expect that will be gone by morning.

So here's are my impressions of the taser:
1) It fucking hurts
2) It's a terrific tool for law enforcement
3) I can think of at least three incidents from my time working as a road deputy that I would have definitely used it and it would have most likely avoided some serious fights.
4) It fucking hurts
5) I don't see how anyone could possibly fight while taking a ride
6) It fucking hurts
7) I would rather be tased than sprayed with any form of pepper spray. The taser hurts a LOT more, but when it's over, it's over. With spray, you can still be hurting hours later, and then when you take a shower, it starts burning all over again. (Any of my readers who have ever been sprayed will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.)
8) Oh yeah, and it really fucking hurts

Well, that was the morning. In the afternoon we had defensive tactics. Again, not much relevance to my present job, but this time I didn't care. I like DT. It probably helps that I have a black belt in Hapkido, and so all of the takedowns and groundfighting we did are right up my alley. I had fun with it, and helped demonstrate some of the moves with the instructor.

So, tonight I'm sore and battered and I have a big ole red welt on the back of my thigh. This is such a cool fucking job.