So a week or so ago I got this card in the mail. It looked like an invitation, like for a wedding or maybe a birthday party. Although it couldn't be anyone I knew because my name was spelled incorrectly. Handwritten, my last name spelled Vagner, not Vagle. The postmark was from right here in Eugene.

I turned over the envelope and on the flap, handwritten: "Watch and see the world get in line with the Bible . . . God's word."

Oh-oh. Red flags went up. Of course, I was curious. Did somebody get the workshop list and send these things out to members? Well, no. I use my P.O. Box for everything. I never get anything delivered to the house except for JUNK mail. They got my name out of the phone book probably. Then why didn't my landlord get one. Or Dan? Or Ray? Maybe whoever sent it thought I was "dirty" in particular. Did one of the neighbors send it?

So I open the envelope and take out the card. There's a Chick publication inside. You might know the kind. It's a small comic booklet that tells you that you're going to hell if you don't accept Jesus. I find these things in bathroom stalls on occasion. Some bible-thumper thinks it's a good idea to shove these Chick books beheind the toilet paper dispenser, so when you're sitting there doing your business, you can read a little religious propoganda. And what a name for these things. Chick publications. Sounds like a porno mag.

Anyhoo, I recognized this particular Chick. It's the same as the first one I ever saw. When I was kid, some friends and I found this booklet outside in the area where we played with our Star Wars action figures. I remembered the particular panel where the poor soul who's getting his life replayed, realizes god is going to hear the dirty joke he had told when he was a teenager. "No, not hear!" he screams.

Back to the card. There's also a flyer for a local church. Handwritten in the card is another bible quote that requests me to accept Jesus so that I "will not go to hell."

Signed initials: G.G. Whoever that is, I don't know.

This is junk mail. I don't have the mindset for this--I call myself agnostic, but I don't care at all for organized religion, and I believe respect for all life and the Earth can be done on a personal basis. I'm not their "market." To me, this kind of religious crap portrays life as static, as something that doesn't change or progress. Life is fluid.

I don't have a use for this type of junk mail anymore than I have a use for calls about a free carpet cleaning. I don't have any carpets. I have wood floors.

Man, I'll have to pull out my bathroom confessional story and rewrite it.