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No matter where I go, there I am!

From various sources, including discussions with others, and comments from A Valid Question, (Thank you!) I think that most people think: "IF YOU CARE FOR ME, YOU WOULD VALIDATE ME!" is expected to translate to some form of "Praise", or "Finding the Good Things about this person", or "I agree with some of, or everything, you say!".

In this definition, it would be difficult to validate someone who might disagree with you on a given situation, (or in general!). I would find it difficult to Validate the Bush Administration, for example, because of their perverse and extreme hubris.

We could "DEFINE VALIDATION" to mean (approximately):

"I will LISTEN to YOU tell me HOW IT FEELS TO YOU, and relate the actions you have taken, in YOUR words, YOUR highs, YOUR lows, and then I will accept that YOU feel that way, that the actions YOU took felt like it was the right thing for YOU to do. That the words YOU spoke, the highs YOU expressed, the lows YOU traveled; that is the way it had to be, according to YOU and YOUR life development and understanding of YOURSELF and the world around YOU."

Ah, but THERE IS A CATCH! To truly VALIDATE someone, you allow THEM to take RESPONSIBILITY for THEIR own actions and THEIR own words and THEIR OWN FEELINGS! They MAY, OR MAY NOT, BE MY FEELINGS, just because I listened to YOUR FEELINGS in a caring manner! But I could still VALIDATE YOUR FEELINGS BY AGREEING WITH YOU THAT YOU ACTUALLY FEEL THE WAY YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU FEEL! Do you see? Do you agree?

RESPONSIBILITY DOES NOT TRANSFER WITH THE VALIDATION!

I can listen to you talk about what YOU NEED to talk about, WITHOUT HAVING TO TRY TO FIX THE PROBLEM. Really, I just have TO LISTEN. This knowledge alone should allow me to really LISTEN (to a problem or feeling someone is trying to share with me), when I DON'T HAVE TO SPEND ANY TIME AT ALL thinking about how to solve this person's problem!

THEY CAN SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS, THEMSELVES!

Whew! What a relief to know this!

On the other hand, just what is implied by "TO LISTEN", in the re-definition of validation above?

IF I AM NOT "PAYING ATTENTION" WHILE "LISTENING", THEN I AM NOT "VALIDATING"!

If I offer MY OPINIONS on how you should now DO this or that when you share with me about your plans or actions, THEN I AM NOT "VALIDATING"!

If I offer MY OPINIONS on how you should now FEEL thus and so when you share with me about your feelings, THEN I AM INVALIDATING YOUR OPINION!

D'Oh! What a responsibility!




	TheOwnersManual Dobe Doinat's Owner's Manual Home Get Email Updates X Zachary Wright's Blog Admin Password Remember Me 51528 Curiosities served Share on Facebook				2005-10-18 4:05 AM Redefining Validation Previous Entry :: Next Entry Read/Post Comments (1) No matter where I go, there I am! From various sources, including discussions with others, and comments from A Valid Question, (Thank you!) I think that most people think: "IF YOU CARE FOR ME, YOU WOULD VALIDATE ME!" is expected to translate to some form of "Praise", or "Finding the Good Things about this person", or "I agree with some of, or everything, you say!". In this definition, it would be difficult to validate someone who might disagree with you on a given situation, (or in general!). I would find it difficult to Validate the Bush Administration, for example, because of their perverse and extreme hubris. We could "DEFINE VALIDATION" to mean (approximately): "I will LISTEN to YOU tell me HOW IT FEELS TO YOU, and relate the actions you have taken, in YOUR words, YOUR highs, YOUR lows, and then I will accept that YOU feel that way, that the actions YOU took felt like it was the right thing for YOU to do. That the words YOU spoke, the highs YOU expressed, the lows YOU traveled; that is the way it had to be, according to YOU and YOUR life development and understanding of YOURSELF and the world around YOU." Ah, but THERE IS A CATCH! To truly VALIDATE someone, you allow THEM to take RESPONSIBILITY for THEIR own actions and THEIR own words and THEIR OWN FEELINGS! They MAY, OR MAY NOT, BE MY FEELINGS, just because I listened to YOUR FEELINGS in a caring manner! But I could still VALIDATE YOUR FEELINGS BY AGREEING WITH YOU THAT YOU ACTUALLY FEEL THE WAY YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU FEEL! Do you see? Do you agree? RESPONSIBILITY DOES NOT TRANSFER WITH THE VALIDATION! I can listen to you talk about what YOU NEED to talk about, WITHOUT HAVING TO TRY TO FIX THE PROBLEM. Really, I just have TO LISTEN. This knowledge alone should allow me to really LISTEN (to a problem or feeling someone is trying to share with me), when I DON'T HAVE TO SPEND ANY TIME AT ALL thinking about how to solve this person's problem! THEY CAN SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS, THEMSELVES! Whew! What a relief to know this! On the other hand, just what is implied by "TO LISTEN", in the re-definition of validation above? IF I AM NOT "PAYING ATTENTION" WHILE "LISTENING", THEN I AM NOT "VALIDATING"! If I offer MY OPINIONS on how you should now DO this or that when you share with me about your plans or actions, THEN I AM NOT "VALIDATING"! If I offer MY OPINIONS on how you should now FEEL thus and so when you share with me about your feelings, THEN I AM INVALIDATING YOUR OPINION! D'Oh! What a responsibility! Read/Post Comments (1) Previous Entry :: Next Entry Back to Top