I have been told that I don't post enough - I thought I was doing pretty well, but I guess I will have to do even better...

Have you ever thought about someone that you know you aren't supposed to think about? Someone off limits; someone you know you can't have or someone you know you'll never get? Or even someone you kinda "have" (for lack of a better word - no one POSSESSES someone else, but you know what I mean), but who seems to be slipping away from you?

In studying for the bar, the only escapes I get are mental escapes. My mind wanders; little things that I would normally overlook suddenly catch my attention. I think back to things, and people, in the past; new people are intriguing at the same time. I feel torn, guilty, lonely confused, messed up, stressed out. I want nothing more than happiness, the job, the family, the white picket fence. I see myself married with babies...right now. I know, I'm crazy. The bar is making me do and think a lot of things I normally wouldn't. Normally I wouldn't do nothing when I felt like my heart was being taken advantage of. Normally I wouldn't hold myself back from something else that may increase my happiness and sanity Why am I like this?

I'm not melancholy, don't get me wrong. I'm stressed out beyond belief, but I know a lot of people that wouldn't make it this far, so (breakdown and all) I must be doing something right. So why am I still incomplete? Why don't I feel whole? Something, someone, is missing. I thought I had found what I needed, but I still feel like something is lacking. Circumstances will be different come August. Or will they? I know MY life situation will be different once I get through this hell, but will I be any happier? Will he be any more available? I want more; I think I deserve that much. Can I get it somewhere else? Do I WANT to get it somewhere else? I wish I knew if I were being realistic or if I were overreacting. Sometimes it's hard to tell with me.

Anyway, moving right along from what you all are probably looking at going "What the hell?...she's nuts and makes completely NO sense."

Tomorrow is the fourth - Jen, Shannon Rob and I are going to hang out, maybe see Legally Blonde, get tatooed (seriously - cat paw on my pelvis; we'll see if I actually get it!) Unfortunately I won't have a FULL day of freedom since we are supposed to take a practice essay/performance test bright and early saturday morning. well, time to go back to wills and trusts... blech... god, the library is empty... really empty.. i'm outta here soon

4 weeks from today (right this second) i will be enjoying the fact that this is all over...