"Whether a horse turns out good cow horse or a poor one pretty much depends on the intelligence of the handler."

-- "Never Ask A Man the Size of His Spread: A Cowgirl's Guide to Life" – Gladiola Montana
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I woke up with anxiety again this morning.

Michael did not come to bed until early this morning. He slept on the futon for part of the night. I know this because I got up around 4 a.m. and all the lights were on and the TV. He was sleeping. I shut off the lights, went to the bathroom and went back to bed. I left the television on for background noise for him. Little did I know the mess I would find in the kitchen until I got up and went into the kitchen.

I awake to hearing the dripping of water from the eaves onto the stuff I have lined up along the outside wall of the apartment. I do hear bird song but it is still fairly quiet.

After getting up and opening up the window in the living room and the slider in the dining room, I hear our neighbor ragging on the barking dog on the other side of his fence. He was not too happy with the dog.

Bailey is off doing Bailey stuff; especially, since I have fed him his canned cat food. He is probably making doodie in his clean litter box. It does not take him long to use the box once I have cleaned it out. He also received fresh water and I shook his dried food around. Now all that is left for his needs is to brush him out and give him treats. Then he is good for the day except for sleeping in my lap or next to Michael on the futon and to getting lots of love from both of us.

In my calls yesterday I attempted to call an Al-Anon member. I felt this person would be open to my anxiety and would guide me through the Al-Anon tools to find my way back to serenity. This person was not answering, I think they are back to teaching.

Although I would like to get up at 6:15 a.m. to begin my day, 8:30 a.m. is not too bad; especially, when Michael is still in bed. I have quiet time to think and to get a few things done around the house. I do not feel hurried. Although this morning I had a strong urge to sit in my chair and read. I am glad that I decided to begin my journal entry for the day and then decided to do my morning pages.

I found my book, "Room to Write" by Bonni Goldberg. I felt this could be a source of inspiration of getting to write every day and give me ideas when I felt dry.

Notwithstanding, I do like spontaneous writing and letting things come up as they come. I am finding that some things I do not write in my journal – I am not sure why – are showing up here. I feel this is a good thing.

I love the sound of my dishwasher. I realize I am multi-tasking at the moment! Whooooeee. I do not know what I would have done if I had to wash dishes by hand again. I do the hand washables and I usually wash the stuff that does not fit in the washer so all the dishes get done.

It does kind of bug me that when I get the kitchen cleaned up at night and then come out in the morning and find it in disarray. I do not know whether to say something to Michael about it or just let it go. "How important is it?" I need to remember to wipe out the microwave today because it has tidbits in it and I hear them pop when I use the microwave.

I am slowing down some now. Am I running out of things to write about? Maybe it is time for a sip of tea. Ah, I know, put on the radio. Music always carries me away.

Michael's hand washable clothes are partially dry. They were still pretty wet when I brought them in last night. I see the sun is coming out and when I finish here I will put them back outside. I know they will finish drying today. Then I can do some of my things. It is a bitch when I cannot go to the laundromat.

One thing that came to mind in sabotaging my budget, is, am I doing this as a means to keep money from Michael? If there is no money, then he cannot purchase liquor. I need to learn to say no, say it nicely and mean it.

My sister is sending us money. I did not ask her how much though. I hope the money comes today. I need to pay the last of the bills and hopefully have enough to go do laundry or at least pay the AAA membership renewal fees. I have figured out what that will cost monthly and can begin saving out next month. Then it will not hurt when they come due next year.

I have also figured out Ruby's (my motorcycle) monthly registration fee so that can go into savings as well. Now all I will have to come up with is money for insurance and money for her to be totally serviced. By next July I can be riding her. I can hardly wait. I want it now but it will be worth it to work for it. It will be that much more pleasurable when I am finally riding her. It has been way too long since she and I have been in the wind. I will have to find out what it is going to cost to have her serviced. I know that will not be cheap.

I can hardly believe that I am onto my third page. I did not realize I had that much to write about this morning.

I wrote in my journal last night that I like texting with Marion. I feel we are sharing more of the day-to-day minutia that usually passes by and is not commented on. I feel like we are more connected. I like this. Luckily, I have 250 text messages and I can still share with Cory, L., my best friend in Pennsylvania, and Lady C. Even L. and I are having more contact and I like that as well. It may not be face time but I feel it is just as important and we are connecting.

Sewer: I do not know where things stand with the Los Osos sewer. Everything still seems to be up in the air. Roger, and neighbor down the street, and I discussed the issue and he seemed to be knowledgeable about the whole affair. I wonder if it will affect our rent here or because this is public housing we will be exempt.

The one thing I do not like about public housing is their nose in our business. This bit about using the money from the mutual fund earlier this year is so bogus. Plus, I will admit about not notifying them within the ten day period and I have since righted that situation. When Michael qualified for food stamps and he received the paperwork, I immediately wrote a letter to case manager to inform her of the fact. I am intrigued because I have not had a letter back from her acknowledging receipt of my notification. Maybe she is on vacation. Or, maybe it is so noted and that is that.

I do not know if the sewer will make any difference to our lives or if it will even be good for the environment. I know there are people out there that say it will be good for the environment but in the long run who knows. Other than it will make Los Osos fit the "city mode" more. Is this another step for becoming an incorporated city or just stay a part of the unincorporated part of San Luis Obispo County?

The dishwasher has finished washing and is drying now.

I hear more bird song as the morning moves along. It feels good to write down whatever comes up in my mind. It means to me that much more I do not have to remember. I have space to fill up with new stuff.

I am slowing way down. I am becoming dry like a desert. It surprises me that although a desert is dry and looks like no habitants live there, the desert is teaming with life. I remember telling a friend that I liked living in Tucson and I loved the desert. I loved my cactus garden. I was sorry to have had to leave that behind when we moved backed to Maine.

I am surprised I have not begun a cactus garden here as succulents grow well. I can always begin with one plant and then go from there.

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Currently reading: "Cry Wolf" - Tami Hoag