I was almost able to make it okay for him... Two less people who would be stressing, one because I had given up and one because I was just...

Why is it that on some level I feel like everybody's favorite fucking yo-yo? One of those ones that lights up and stuff. No matter who I am there's drama about it, no matter who I choose to be with. Everything has this air of me not picking the "right" person.

Everything feels like I have to choose. And I don't see why. One of them feels betrayed that I didn't detail every step of my path with the other, choosing instead to give my brush broad strokes.

The other? The other wants to end my pain, and thinks that he could do it best on his own. And maybe he could. I just don't know. I don't.

There's too much at stake here, and I've never been the decision maker. I'm the one who wants to spend the rest of my life in some creative haze, writing novels that people adore, and not having to think about the world around me. Is that so much to ask?

I'm sorry...I feel like I'm unloading on a group of people who really don't deserve it...it's just that I should have a different situation by now. I shouldn't be upset with my brother, with my lovers, with myself. There is nothing here worth this much anger, but it's like the floodgates on my emotions have broken, and now all I can do is rage.

Why now?