Dispatches from the City of Angels
I'm a writer and humorist living in and writing about Los Angeles. You can catch my novel LOSING CLEMENTINE out March 6 from William Morrow. In the meantime, feel free to poke around. Over at my website you can find even more blog entries than I could fit here, as well as a few other ramblings. Enjoy and come back often.
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Favorite Quotes:
"Taint what a horse looks like, it’s what a horse be." - A Hat Full of Sky by Terry Pratchett
"Trying to take it easy after you've finished a manuscript is like trying to take it easy when you have a grease fire on a kitchen stove." - Jan Burke
"Put on your big girl panties, and deal with it." - Mom
"How you do anything is how you do everything."
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Personal Ads: a review, volume 2
Dear Men,
It may have come to your attention that in our last review of on-line personal ads, you were on the receiving end of some good-natured ribbing. Oh sure, a few members of your sex were asking for it. I mean, really? Herpes guy? But I see now what you're up against. So as we head off together into the frozen tundra that is the "women seeking men" section, I offer you a bracing handshake, a stiff drink and a first aid kit. You may need it.
To begin with, the first five ads I clicked on turned out to be prostitutes or ads for porn websites. Assuming you only want to pay for dinner on your first date, we're going to have to be a little more careful with our selections.
TITLE: "Middle aged and not crazy"
Was this a concern? Are all middle-aged women presumed to be crazy? Should I be taking preventative measures? She looks perfectly nice, and aside from the ad title, seems like a reasonable person. But it's generally not a good idea to bring up something unpleasant even when you put the word "not" in front of it. "I do not have boils!" See? The "not" doesn't matter because now you're just thinking about boils. Moving on.
TITLE: "Did you right ma nayme on tha overpass?"
This is a joke, right? Please tell me it's a joke 'cause a week ago I slammed a guy for misquoting an 11th century Persian poet, and I didn't even give him credit for spelling all his homonyms correctly.
TITLE: "Fake Boyfriend Needed"
Okay, you know I clicked on this just to torch it, but it turns out, I want to date this woman. It's a paragraph on how she's trying to repel an ex-husband that just won't go away, and it's freaking hilarious.
"Your job is to be arm candy. You may fall in love with me. This is not a requirement...For our benefit, my ex will talk loudly on his cell phone about all the money he is making. He will at random times, drop and do a few push ups. He will walk around flexing the muscles in his arms. (Don't worry, they aren't big). He may, after seeing me with you, show up with a stripper at the next event...Please don't apply if you are a stalker, unless you happen to own horses and you know how to fix my broken lawn mower."
Good Lord, somebody call this woman. That is a good time girl right there.
Sniff. My faith in the fairer sex is restored.
It may have come to your attention that in our last review of on-line personal ads, you were on the receiving end of some good-natured ribbing. Oh sure, a few members of your sex were asking for it. I mean, really? Herpes guy? But I see now what you're up against. So as we head off together into the frozen tundra that is the "women seeking men" section, I offer you a bracing handshake, a stiff drink and a first aid kit. You may need it.
To begin with, the first five ads I clicked on turned out to be prostitutes or ads for porn websites. Assuming you only want to pay for dinner on your first date, we're going to have to be a little more careful with our selections.
TITLE: "Middle aged and not crazy"
Was this a concern? Are all middle-aged women presumed to be crazy? Should I be taking preventative measures? She looks perfectly nice, and aside from the ad title, seems like a reasonable person. But it's generally not a good idea to bring up something unpleasant even when you put the word "not" in front of it. "I do not have boils!" See? The "not" doesn't matter because now you're just thinking about boils. Moving on.
TITLE: "Did you right ma nayme on tha overpass?"
This is a joke, right? Please tell me it's a joke 'cause a week ago I slammed a guy for misquoting an 11th century Persian poet, and I didn't even give him credit for spelling all his homonyms correctly.
TITLE: "Fake Boyfriend Needed"
Okay, you know I clicked on this just to torch it, but it turns out, I want to date this woman. It's a paragraph on how she's trying to repel an ex-husband that just won't go away, and it's freaking hilarious.
"Your job is to be arm candy. You may fall in love with me. This is not a requirement...For our benefit, my ex will talk loudly on his cell phone about all the money he is making. He will at random times, drop and do a few push ups. He will walk around flexing the muscles in his arms. (Don't worry, they aren't big). He may, after seeing me with you, show up with a stripper at the next event...Please don't apply if you are a stalker, unless you happen to own horses and you know how to fix my broken lawn mower."
Good Lord, somebody call this woman. That is a good time girl right there.
Sniff. My faith in the fairer sex is restored.
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