I don't generally get naked in public. I'm from Missouri, and we just don't do that. It's weird.

On the other hand, I'll do darn near anything if I think I could use it in a book. Especially if it might be funny. And don't think I haven't noticed how often funny butts right up against "total loss of personal dignity." The result is that I am the Mikey of my girlfriends. You remember Mikey from the cereal commercials. "Mikey will eat anything!" Yeah, well, Ashley will do almost anything, assuming it isn't amoral or illegal. And frankly, that last one is soft.

So when I got an e-mail asking me to strip naked in front of fifty or so strange Korean women and jump into a pool of Mugwart*, you know I did it.

Koreatown, smushed somewhere between Hollywood and downtown, has a preponderance of spas. The word "spa" might make you think of aromatherapy, cushy towels and hundred-dollar massages. This one cost me fifteen bucks and came with a loaner robe made out of what appeared to be recycled hospital sheets, which someone promptly stole.

My fifteen bucks got me, in addition to the "robe," two scratchy towels, one of which was also swiped, and unlimited time in my choice of tubs, showers and various heat rooms. My blonde-haired, blue-eyed self met up with two girlfriends, one Canadian and one Australian, and to say we didn't exactly blend, would be an understatement.

I'm choosing to believe that's why the crazy old lady with the green rag on her head kept a running log of our activities. She wasn't an employee. She was just watching us run around naked very, very closely. All the tubs and saunas were enclosed in one large, tiled room full of fifty or so bare women, including us. And, as it turns out, there is a very special order you're supposed to go in. Tub, shower, steam, shower, sauna, tub... I have no idea. None of us did, and this made the green rag lady very, very upset. So upset she jumped into the cold pool with the three of us and began poking the Australian. Repeatedly.

"You go shower, tub, steam, cold. No. No. Tub, steam, shower, cold. Okay? You do it right. No tub, steam, cold. No. I watch you long time. Okay?"

Now, I appreciate a helpful direction as much as the next person, particularly when I'm attempting to navigate in culturally unfamiliar waters. But frankly, she was scaring me. And she kept touching my friend. And when you're naked, there's no touching. She kept repeating herself and was becoming increasingly agitated. The three of us huddled, but she was blocking the only way out of the very, very cold pool. And did I mention we were naked?

She pointed sternly at a sign printed mostly in Korean, which couldn't have been less helpful, but the three of us nodded obediently. We would've agreed to nearly anything if it meant getting out of that pool and, most importantly, an end to the touching.

Freed, we sprinted to the safety of our lockers and underpants.

"So, that was relaxing?" We asked each other.

"Mmm-hmm. Very relaxing. Let's leave."

"Now?"

"Yeah, now's good."

"This going in a book?"

"Totally going in a book."


*I really have no idea what mugwart is. It was on the sign, and apparently, it releases toxins. And the sauna? Toxins. Hot tub? Toxins. Steam room? Toxins.