You probobly wont find me writing about current events. In fact, most of the time you will be privy to the annoying thoughts that keep me up at night. I have this problem where I will lie down to go to bed at night, but I cannot fall asleep because of the thoughts running through my head. I obsess over things that are in the past, and that I cannot change, but that I want to change. Despretely want to change. And I will lay there for hours torturing myself. Berating myself for not having done this, or for having done that. Lately I have really been missing my youth. What little there was of it. I have changed so much in the past ten years that most of the people I knew then would find me unrecognizable. Menatly, not physically. Psysically I am fatter, but I still pretty much look the same. Mentally... Well, mentally there is almost nothing of the old me left. She pretty much died the day she had to face reality. That there would be no fairy tale ending for her life. That she could not have children. That once again she was going to lose the things and people she holds most dear. She couldnt take it and slowly but surely she disappeared and left me. Me, who has no idea who the hell she is or who the hell she wants to be. Me, beaten down by god or fate or destiny or whatever you want to call it so many times she cant get back up again. It's strange, because as I look around this room I see my things but they dont excite the same feelings in me that they used to. The pictures of the friends and family mean nothing. The books. The movies. Things that at one point and time made me happy. Now I just sit here and think to myself "How long will it take? How long until I lose them too?" And the ones I have already lost? It hurts to think about that. The ones I am about to lose? Hurts even more. I feel stuck. I hate the life I am Living. I dont want to die, I just want things to change. I want to go back to being 19. There were some bad times then, but I knew who i was. I knew who I was and what I wanted out of life. For the first time in my existence I fit in with my friends. I felt like one of them and just a tag a long. I was trying new things and doing what I wanted to do. Answering to no one but myself. Well, i guess this is it for the first entry. Ive got plenty to think about for the three hours it takes me to fall asleep.