Life can be strange sometimes. I was watching TV today and ran across a commercial I had never seen. It was for some drug or another and had the obligatory happy people doing the obligatory happy things. But one of the couples was elderly. They were very spry however and proceeded to engage in a pillow fight. That is when I freaked out. You see, I have this problem. Granted it is one among many but it is one of the ones that bothers me the most. My childhood was not so good, and as a result I grew up rather fast. By age six my worries centered around my emotional state, not candy or puppies or what the hell ever your typical six year old thinks about. If I could shut out everything and everyone around me I could cope. As a result there are many things I missed learning about as a kid. Take birds for example. I knew birds existed; they were just of no concern to me. I am mildly obsessed with birds now. I bought a bird book and I just love put out food for them and see what kinds of birds I can attract. I love to watch them soar on the wind currents and wish longingly that I had their freedom. I love flowers, and trees and a hundred other things I have never noticed before. And everyday these things make me realize how child-like I am. How much I missed out on as a kid. I am forced to realize how much I still don’t know. I like to play in the toy aisle at wal-mart. I still like to go to zoos and watch cartoons. Not is a weird I like kids the wrong way thing, but they make me happy. It was things I always wanted to do as a kid but could not, and as I watched those happy corpses (for that is what they looked like to me) frolicking around I became filled with a cold sense of dread. Will that be me in sixty years? And is that a good or a bad thing? I want that child-like quality to go away and yet at the same time I am terrified. If it goes away I will lose what little innocence I have left.