Anne,

I have three weeks to get better. Yeah. Like that is going to happen. God I feel like shit. If I feel this way when my mom has surgery I am screwed. The problem is of course that I am almost 100% sure that I need surgery myself. Cant do anything about that untill my mom recovers. And if she has the worse surgery that could be anywhere from six-twelve weeks. Then it would be at least another month or two before I could make it in to see someone. I hate this. This is when I have trouble believing in god. Why me? After all the shit I have went through, why? I watched a rerun of Joan of Arcadia last night and she said something like "What did I do in my past life, Kill puppies?" I must have to. Shit maybe I was hitler or in his regime. Whatever made us and dictates our lives doesnt like me. I think I have made pretty good decisions over my lifetime considering the options I was given. So all of it cannot be my own doing. What kind of fucked up entity sat up there and said "Yeah let's let this girls half brother rape her when she turns three, molest her till she's six, kill her grandfather at six since he is the only person she loves and trusts, let the half brother torture her mentally and physically till she's eleven or twelve, make junior high and high school almost impossible because she is so mentally fucked up. Oh, then give a few years where she feels good. But not to good. Let her finally find a place she fits in. Not totally of course since we didnt make her a lesbian, but enough to make her feel good. Then lets take that away. Make it so the one she trusted most hurts her and fucks her up even more mentally. Oh, and then she needs to be in pain. Terrible pain. For two or three years. dont let her keep that job she loves. The pain will cloud her judgement so she will make some more fucked up decisions. Lets put her best friend on meth and string him out so she has no support system. Then we will send her back home to live out her years with the knowledge that she cannot have kids. Yeah. nice. That is what I feel like when I get like this. Nothing I do matters. I cannot even have that basic human right. Look at all the people who have kids and are bad parents. The ones who dont even want or know how to take care of the kids they have. That pisses me off more than anything. I hope that in the next few years I can just give it all up and become a drug addict. Or go nuts. Whatever it would take to not have to know who I am anymore and how fucked up everthing is.