Anne,

Well, I have finally had it. And oddly enough all it took was being relagated to the back seat of the car like a child. I just sat there thinking and I realized that I am done. It's over. I dont want to be here anymore. I am tired. Tired of second guessing myself. Tired of whatever decison I make not panning out. I just came back from spending a weekend with bob and I doubt I will ever do it again. Eventhough I would love too. I get the distinct impression he doesnt really want me there, but it is better I be there than he be totally bored. Which is a shame, because I actually like sending time with him. I just dont think he feels comfortable around me most of time, and often I get the feeling he would rather not have me there at all. that he regreted saying I could come. I can understand that in a way. I prefer to be by myself most of time too. It is usually me who asks to go over there, so I wont be going back until he asks me. I also get the impression that he thinks I only go over there to do drugs. Little does he know I did the same shit I shared with him on thursday and friday right where I am sitting now. Poor Josh. He really wants us to go stay there next weekend so the three of us can party and then Josh and I can go out. Bob could go to but he usually prefers to stay home.

I just cannot see the point. The only gift the powers that be gave me is rarely used. I would use it if I could, but when I try to help someone they always think there is an ulterior motive. I have tried to give up on it but when I do it makes me feel sick inside. Every religous person I know tells me that I am going to end up in hell for one reason or another. None of them has hit on the right one. I will go to hell if there is one because I did not tell my father yes when he asked me if my brother molested me. It is as simple as that. At the time all I could see was that If I said yes, my father would kill my brother. Im not saying that would have been a bad thing. But my father being put in jail for giving that piece of shit what he deserves would have killed me. I was young enough when that happened to only realize the implications such a thing would have on my family. Not what that would mean for the rest of the world. Every day since I turned 14 I have sat here wondered how many other people he has done this to. How many other lives has he ruined because I did not do the right thing? I am going to give it a year. One year for something big enough to keep me alive. I'll try for the year but it might be after labor day, when I can see amanda. I dont want to sit here and wonder anymore. I dont want to hurt. I dont want to cry myself to sleep at night. I cannot find any peace within myself anymore. And I cannot look outside of myself for it either. Josh loves me, and I know that. I love him just as much. But he cannot be my reason for living. No one can. If I cant live for me then I shouldnt live at all. All these years I am the only thing that never gets taken away. I lost mandy,kristi,michelle,chris, eric, and even Josh for a time. But I was always there. Now there is just this empty shell. When I look in the mirror I dont even recognize myself. Half the time I dont know how to feel or who to be or what to do. Except for with Josh. He makes me remember who I am. But I am already thinking ahead to when he leaves. When Ama passes away. When my mother goes down hill. When something happens to my father. I dont want to face these things, yet I dont want to miss them either. I would be shirking my duties. Ah well. I have made a decsion and that feels good. We will see how things pan out.