Anne,

THis new years things has really stirred stuff up. I was just sitting here thinking that for the past ten or eleven years of my life I have been in love with a man who I cant have. And on so many levels dont want in that way. How it wasnt always like that.

My god it seems like yesterday when I walked into that bar and had the rest of my life changed. I remember walking in and seeing him from behind. I stopped dead in my tracks and stared. While I was waiting for him to turn around my heart was going a million miles a minute and I felt like I was going to hurl. I remember thinking, what in the hell is wrong with me? I am not drunk yet (and this way before I was into drugs) but I am fucking freaking out. Then he turned around, and I was lost. Totally and completly. That two second glimpse of his face sealed my fate.

I knew that it was him I had been missing. That it was him I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. That I would do anything to make that happen. That I wanted him to be the father of my children, and if I couldnt have him I would die a virgen.

Five seconds. That whole encounter and those thoughts were the worst five seconds of my life. and the best. I didnt meet him for a long time. Almost six or seven months I think. I know sometimes I would stare at him, and he would catch me. And smile, and I would smile back. Then I would get as drunk as humanly possible so I could quit starring at him and pretend he didnt exist. It worked at home too.

Until we actually met. It was cold and snowy, like now. I always went to the club with my roommate. This weekend he was meeting some friends from detroit. I was meeting my friends. This place had never taken ID before, so I didnt think anything of it when I left mine at home. sure as shit, we get there and they have started to take ID. And it is required. They would not let me in. Even though for the past six or seven months it was the same fucking guy everytime who was at the door. We couldnt go back because his friends from detroit were only going to be there for a little bit.

He offered, but I declined. I said I would sit in the car. He gave me the keys so I could turn on the car when I was cold. And my loving roommate, ever prepared gave me his back pack which had water and food in it. He felt so bad. It took me twenty minuets to convince him I would be fine. Every ten minuets a friend would come out and check on me. I finally got them to leave me alone. I was actually relieved. The week before Daryl had told me that "he" had been asking about me. I asked what he meant, and he said "you know, the guy you stare at." I hadnt realized my friends had noticed, so I was horrified on that account. I knew "he" had noticed, christ how could not? I begged Daryl not to say anything. He promised he wouldnt.

But "he" had been sitting there by the guy at the door when I tried to get in, looking at me. I just wanted to sit in the car and sort out my thoughts. I wanted to know him, and I didnt want to know him. I had to know him, and I couldnt know him.

I was sitting there thinking two hours later when Betty comes knocking on the window. and she tells me "You can come in at 2, when they stop serving booze." I asked how that came about and she said that guy at the door had followed the owner around all night pleading my case until he finally agreed to let me in. I said the old guy? She said no, the other one. The other one. The one. The only one.

I wanted to stay in the car. I knew I couldnt avoid a face to face meeting now. I had to say thank you. It was a nice thing to do. Especailly since I stared at him all the time. So I went in, and I said my thank you and went to my friends. It turns out daryl was the only one who had seen me staring at him, and knew what was going on. He kind of guided me through the rest of the night. He knew I was in a state of shock and confusion. The next weekend I said hi, and again surrounded myself with friends. and the next. The one after that though, he caught me off guard.

There I was, standing behind the glass that seperated the dance floor from the gaming area, watching my friends. My Josh. Just feeling happy and content. I didnt even see or hear him approach me. I just heard "Hey, could I get your number?" I knew he had to be talking to me, because I was the only one there. It suprised me that it was a male voice, us being in a gay bar and all. Gay men usually dont ask straight girls for their phone numbers, fag hag or not.

I turned around and it was him. All I could do was stare. and stare. and stare some more. He started to look uncomfortable, and I just blurted out "Why?!"

Then I felt really, really stupid and bad. He turned red, and stammered out "I dont know I just thought we would get along. We seem to have some things in common (damn daryl) and you always look so cute and hang with the coolest people..."

Fortunetly I recovered enough to give him my explanation of just being suprised that a gay man asked for my phone number. We had a laugh and exchanged info.

Have things in common we did. Our favorite movies Rocky Horror and Stand By Me. Talk about coincidence. and that wasnt all. It wasnt long before I decided to put my frustartion to a better use. I knew I couldnt have him, so I consentrated on making him happy. If he liked a guy and was to shy to introduce himself, there I went. Of course i had to make it seen like the interest was mine. Otherwise that would be really tacky. I focused on making him happy, and i have never stopped.

There are long stretches where we dont see each other, and that has to be. Sometimes it is just to hard for me. But I am finally to the point where I just want him to be happy. For the most part. And I often wonder if he feels the same about me? That if things had been different, he would love me. Only then. You cant change a gay man. Just like you cant make someone else gay or lesbian. If that was the case you would think I would have been converted after ten or eleven years going to every gay bar in a tri state area with my Josh. No, not converted. Just still loving gay men.