Anne,

Well, I have done it again. Set myself up for another horrible new years eve. Potentialy horrible new years eve. Every time I have went out with josh it as been good. But, paul will be there too. In fact, he emailed me specificaly to request my presence. I dont know How I feel about that. That is what has me worried. Oh well. I am just going to have to let it go because there is no way in hell I am staying sober for new years. I dont care what happens. I really dont. If after ten years he finds out I have always been in love with him, who gives a fuck. I think I have always conducted myself well around him despite that fact. well, except once or twice.

and hopefuly he chalked that up to pms. I decided to stay home because of josh. He is in a really bad place right now. Just so depressed. I hate seeing him like this. My Josh, always so happy and optimistic. I love him to much to leave. if he tried something while i was gone, I would hate myself for the rest of my life. When he came back into my life, I promised to take care of him, and that is a promise I intend to keep at all costs.