Anne,

Today is always a hard day for me. I have been bitter since that psycho shot him. What would possess you to take away someone so beautiful and talented? That proved to me right then and there that there might as well be no god. Not to mention that once again, it is almost christmas and I have no money. I hate going out of my house. It just reminds me that I cannot drop the customary $300-500 on my friends and family for christmas. I cant even drop a fucking dollar because I am that broke. I tried to get my mom and dad let me take their car (since I dont have one of my own) to one of those places where you sell your blood or plasma. I got a big no, because it isnt in a good area. Fuck. I just want to scream. I am not sure I can go see amanda. My mom is sick again and off work. They said if I wouldnt go to the blood place, they would give me $100 to go see her. Now I am not sure if that is going to be possible. Then I got an email from paul saying we should meet for new years. Ten years I waited for that and I am suppossed to be in Minneapolis. I wanted to be there. Now I am confused, depressed, and angry. And I have been having fucked up dreams. Dreams that bring up things I dont want to deal with. Like seeing Eric. I would be happy if that never ever happened again. Or chris. I am dreaming about him on a regular basis. Why? I dont want to think about that time, and i havent seen him in 13 years! I wouldnt recognize him If i saw him now. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I am going to end this now, as I am starting to feel worse. I need to call josh anyway.