Today has not only been fucking annoying from start to just now, but it's also been far too fucking long. I don't know if it was the melotonin, but I woke suddenly and permanently at six fucking thirty, which just pissed me right off. Man, I was still tired and I don't want to be awake that early, thank you very much - I like the night time, the dark hours when all the sensible motherfuckers are asleep and no one will phone or ring the door-bell. Being awake at seven means getting the full benefit of Ms Next Door Across the Hall trying to not throttle her shockingly impervious three year old daughter. I didn't catch the words this morning but one from the other day started with Ms NDAH bellowing: TELL ME WHERE THE FUCKING CAR KEYS ARE RIGHT NOW
Kid (calm, with a hint of smug): No, Mummy, you'll just have to keep looking.
Ms NDAH: YOUR SISTER WILL BE COMING OUT OF SCHOOL IN FIVE MINUTES. WE HAVE TO LEAVE NOW SO GIVE ME THE FUCKING CAR KEYS RIGHT...THIS... MINUTE!!
Kid: No, Mummy. You have to find them.
She looks like a little angel but she's a fully fledged wind-up merchant already. Her mum is nice too, just human.

The book about brain rehab I got from the library had nothing I could use, so I called the stroke people and got a lead on another one, called something like "The brain rehab book of puzzles" - £38 second hand on Amazon, plus p&p, but the library ordered it in from a London library and now I only have to pay p&p of £3. There won't be much in it that will be of use because it will assume vision for most of the puzzles, but I'm hoping there will be enough to get us started and give us ideas for more stuff. Me and YD are pretty good at coming up with stuff.

I also took out a book about Edwyn Collins who recovered from a stroke. Lovely Edwyn Cllins of this perfect, horny pop song fame:


[Sorry, it won't take the embed code or let me link and I can't work it out now,but listen to 'A girl Like You' awesomeness]


Life can be fucking brutal.

I was quite grumpy and full of self-pity by the time I fetched up at singing - we don't do enough actual singing - the social side of it is considered to be just as beneficial but I just want to sing for longer, especially when I haven't been for a few weeks - it takes ages to find my voice. I felt pissed off at people groaning when someone else suggested a song they didn't like.

Things are coming out sideways - YD told me the other night that she feels really angry about what's happened to her sister, as well as the awful sadness, not instead, and asked me if I felt angry, which I didn't, just broken and defeated (didn't say it quite as bluntly as that to YD), but as I've been writing here I've noticed that although I didn't express any of it out loud, I was pissed off, in almost an angry way with all kind of things today that normally I wouldn't waste a moment's thought on. Which feels a bit less passive but not particularly useful.

I bought the dog:



which I do quite like, but I think I will give it to Son for his birthday. He really wants a dog but is still too itinerant and works too long hours. He can give it back when he's got a real one.

Meanwhile the fucking cat has shat indoors four times in the last few days - twice today. I'm not prepared to deal with cat shit - I did a million years of baby shit with a good grace (mostly), with cloth nappies that needed scraping before washing and drying, a gazillion years, and I'm not doing cat shit. I did, obviously, but she'd better pack that the fuck in, right now - or I'll set the kid next door on her.

Bloke was here when I got back so I had a big moan at him and he had a big moan at me then we went for a walk at low tide, across the river and along the beach:







I managed my 6000 steps, 6858 to be precise, so it'll be over 7k by the time I've dithered about forgetting things on my way to bed. It's been hard, finding the motivation to keep walking, especially in the wind and the rain, but it does make me feel better. Clean air, that kind of stuff.

And now I'm getting those pre-migraine floaters, so I'm off.

Grateful for loads, honest. OK, five things: my bed; my warm flat; a sunny day; food in the fridge; trees bare, so light coming in.

Sleep well xxx