Yesterday was horrible and so was a lot of today because 1) more emergency psych for YD, as Grandson was staying at his pal's overnight and once she didn't have to keep it all reined in, she found she couldn't and 2) ED's birthday this Saturday, she'll be 37, and there is quite literally nothing that will have any impact on the quality of her life or give her anything beyond momentary pleasure, if that. Not because she has everything, but ... I ended up buying her a soft toy dog, aimed at quite young babies, with lots of different shapes and textures attached, so she has something new to fiddled with when her hands get twitchy, which they do. I was unable to stop weeping while shopping for this - first time I'd not been under the scrutiny of either YD or GS and like YD, when the pressure to be Strong Mummy/Granny is gone, all the edges crumble and the mess inside is revealed, sadly in a toy shop, but there you go, shit happens.

I decided to lift myself up somehow so took Dodgy Nephew's nice dog for a long walk along the towpath by the houseboats, 5180 steps, not bad for first day back on the regime.

Daughter says if we're going to be drag queens in this parade we have to have drag names. I am now Belle End. I have one suitably inappropriate outfit and another in production. You have been warned. I don't know if I have the energy for this, but I'm hoping I have the charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent (again, it took YD to point out what those initial letter spell), to make a major spectacle of myself in the name of not giving a fuck and throwing yourself into a challenge.

I am grateful for: Living by the beach; having a dog to borrow, a compliant dog at that; enough rain to water the garden and help save the planet; GCSE results tomorrow for GS - he needs 5 A-Cs and an A for maths - we have literally no idea how well he'll have done, but we were all disengaged with school at his age, so no-one's going to be judging him or disappointed - he turned up for them all, which is more than Son managed - anyway, I am pleased the wait is almost over and the next stage can be planned; I am grateful for the food I'm going to make to bring back to my warm bed.

Laters, darlings. Do leave a comment if you feel like it - a girl can get lonely round here you know xxx