Lots seems to have happened since I was last here.

Friday - art group, painted this:



which drew many complimentary comments when I posted it on facebook, but I have to say, it didn't take much in the way of skill - I drew the pier, crane, tower and coastline, very 'impressionistic-ly' and then let blobs of watercolour run into each other and hoped for the best. I like doing it, and do feel proud that I've created something pleasing that didn't exist before, but only until I get more acclaim than I merit. Then I feel a bit uncomfortable. I can't even get the reflection in the water to match the sky, though I will keep trying.

Anyway, the recovery centre I go to employs 'peer trainers' as well as psych-trained medical staff and they're running a training course in the spring, sending out emails asking if we fancy having a go. It's a freelance thing, so you can take on a very few hours a week (like two), quite well paid, including prep time, and they know you're a bit mental and may be unreliable. They want people with lived experience of mental health problems and of learning to manage them with at least some success. I thought I might have a look, asked for an application pack, then when it arrived, couldn't keep concentrated long enough to read the person spec in full.

I thought fuck it, but during the group on Friday, C (who runs the group), said she'd thought of me as soon as she saw the poster about it, and that if I felt I might be up for it, she'd recommend I had a go as I can pull out at any point, and she'd be very happy to give me a reference. When I looked at the form properly it is all things I definitely used to be able to do (I could do a writing group or art...), and probably still can, if things stay calm.

Which of course they don't. Friday night, YD loses the plot big time. She's been struggling for a while, but I hadn't known - I've tried to step back a bit and let them establish their new family with GS, but of course it's all really demanding emotionally-wrought stuff - anyway, I don't want to get into her business here. After full and frank discussions it's decided that me and her need to go away for a couple of days fully-catered retreat, where we don't have to do anything at all.

Saturday was her Husband's birthday, celebrated with a family lunch, including Son and H's parents who I've only met at the wedding. YD wants me to not swear in front of them as if I'm some fucking gobby teenager rather than her 61 year old mother who will do what she bleeding well wants. But I try not to, and only let one accidental 'twatty bloke' comment out, which earns me an evil look from YD, though no one else seemed to notice. As I told her later, me and H's mum are facebook friends now and when I did that thing about my most used words 'fuckers' was prominently displayed, so my enjoyment of emphatic language can hardly be news to her. She (H's mum) said she liked the picture I'd posted of the painting I'm currently working on. You see - people think I'm an artist when I'm not. I have an absolute max of an hour titting about with a picture before I start making it worse. 'Currently working on' - my arse. But I just said thanks.

Saturday evening I watched telly and finished my first cushion cover. I can't get the colour right as there's not enough light:



It's meant to be a mess, but not quite that much - I can't get the fucking thing square to save my life. Started another one this evening, following instructions this time.

Today Bloke went off with one of his birdwatching pals and I had breakfast with Son and YD. Nice. Then I found me and YD a deal to stay in a hotel on the Isle of Wight from Tuesday to Thursday this week, under £200 for both of us, full board, including spa and shit, and ferry crossing which seems pretty good to me. We used to go to the Island a lot when the kids were little (bunking the train down to Portsmouth) and I remember the feeling as you cross the water, of leaving your life and all your shit behind.

And now it's nearly two o'clock. Bloody hell.

I am grateful for: things to look forward to; having something to offer YD to help her heal a bit; Bloke understanding that helping her get well is worth spending money on; getting my crafty vibe back; having a hot water bottle already warming my bed

Sleep tight xxx