Don't want to write as feel ashamed of how I've been, but this blog is really for future me and needs to be truthful or it's pointless.

Have done a full week with no tobacco or weed (only weed I can get is mega-strong skunk and I just like a mild spliff at the end of the day - it's like a beer drinker only being able to get absinthe, not what I'm after). Anyway I've not been troubled by cravings, just by the unravelling of my mind, the anxiety multiplying into terror, the inability to reach out and ask for help, the sheer unending awfulness of being such a twat at my age.

I have mainly this week been sitting in a chair trying to make myself get up and phone someone. Which I haven't done. Not only that but when a friend did call, I saw her name but couldn't answer as I felt too ashamed of myself.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.

I have still made it through one hundred per cent of bad days, but it's never been this close before.

I just don't want this life any more.