Still here, putting one foot in front of the other, breathing in, breathing out.


I'm all caught up in 'shoulds' tonight. YD and I went to visit ED and I took a photo of ED that I love. I posted it on FB - I've been doing the photo-a-day challenge but didn't have one for today - "faceless" - couldn't be arsed to even think about that while visiting ED, but loved this pic of her so posted that instead, saying it's my photo of the day. Which it is.



There are ethical questions about posting photos of people without their consent, I know this. And she can't give her consent, to this or anything else. So I'm all churned up with the should and shouldn't of it, though as you can see I'm doing it anyway, mostly because I want to see her wherever I go, not that I'll be coming back here every five minutes, but I'll see the pic on FB a lot for a while, and she looks so beautiful, so much like herself, with such serious dignity, and anyway she was always in general well up for being all over everywhere when she had the choice. But she doesn't have the choice so I'm uncertain, but not posting it, or taking it down having posted it already feels like shit.

Because this is our truth. This is how it is. And what's stirred me up with all this is that someone commented under the photo on FB, "I think you're very brave," which has just PISSED ME RIGHT OFF, because what fucking options have I got? What choices have I made that show evidence of bravery? Was it posting the picture? Or still visiting my girl, or what? I don't get it and I don't like it, not one little bit. It seems part of the language of bollocks that surrounds death and dying and cancer and all that. Battling and bravery and all that shite. Fuck off. I know her in real life, so I'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow.

So, as you can see, I'm still right up to the edge. I wish I had some chocolate.

Grateful for: easy drive there and back; liking the cold weather; furry slippers; novels; hot water bottles

xxxx