(I had intended to post this much sooner but one thing led to another and here it is seven weeks later... What follows are some rough notes I kept the first week).

As I wrote in October my mom's health had been failing, late morning Tuesday November 6th I received the word from my brothers that she had died earlier in the morning. This wasn't a shock - there had been some indications the previous week that she was preparing to move to the next plane.

My brothers and I met Tuesday night and then again for lunch Wednesday. While I enjoyed seeing them and in many ways it was somewhat like old times it was later Wednesday that I realized that the change in our relationship as a consequence of my divorce was not a temporary event, something has shifted and at least for the foreseeable future (since I'm learning to not attempt to predict the future I can't say that it will always be this way) the relationship I've experienced with my brothers for the last fifteen or so years has come to a close.

Because my father is still alive we still have a common interest in his remaining years but it seemed to me that our life paths (well, at least mine) are diverging and it took Mom's death for me to see that. I felt that I mourned this passing more intensely than Mom's death.

Tuesday morning, before I learned of her death, I received e-m from my friend David who had previously introduced me to the idea of Pure Land Buddhism asking me a) how Mom was doing and b) telling me about a Joseph Campbell DVD on the Pure Land that he and his wife had recently seen. It was Tuesday evening that I realized that this was the Universe's way of letting me know that Mom was in the Pure Land, a belief which remains a source of comfort and peace for me even today.

I took my children to the memorial service. I thought they had a positive experience of it - my memories of funerals were that they were scary events - people sad and crying, etc. - and I hoped they could learn that (natural) death is simply part of the cycle of life.

After the formal service was over my son was holding the box containing her remains and told me "Look, I can hold Nana B in one hand!" He also wanted to open it up to see what they looked like but I told him that would have to wait until the Spring (her two wishes were to be cremated and her remains spread on Lake Travis).

From Tuesday to Sunday I slept a lot. For the most part I thought this was normal - that's what I tend to do when I'm processing deep emotions. Sunday afternoon I went to the Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Research Center to catch the last day of an exhibit of 'Selah', a 5000+ acre ranch in the Hill Country that has been reclaimed over the last 30 years. My friend Chris had four 360 degree panographic photos on display with other artists (which were awesome). While there I finally realized that the emotion I had been experiencing all week was depression. Realizing this I released it and later that night noticed it had lifted.

The Tuesday following her death David sent me another very personal e-mail which cracked me open and I was finally able to cry and release.

When I realized September 2006 that my relationship with Mom influences the relationship with other women I was so overwhelmed by the magnitude of the ramifications that all I could was surrender it to the Divine. Part of me was like "Oh frak, this is so not good."

In that context I felt another wave of peace when I realized that a year later there were four women in my life (three of them Mothers, hmmm) who helped me process Mom's death. Namaste to JR, JS, DE and CB for being there.

The seven weeks since her death have been intense in a "juggling life responsibilities" sense which has precluded further introspection. While my counselor has told me that I can expect to spend the next year processing her death I have no idea what to expect next.

For now I'm grateful for the processing I have experienced.