Shaken and Stirred
bond, gwenda bond

you're probably going to hell (just in case you hadn't heard)
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(Well, speaking of appropriate, that was a day from the place where the double hockey sticks live.)

(Doesn't it seem like hockey sticks should have a better name? Do they? If this is insanely obvious and the kind of thing that's too dumb to ask well, see above.)

Home very late from work and watching a few minutes of 60 Minutes II with dinner (hey, shut up), completely drawn in by the teaser they showed of LeHaye and The Holy Ghost Writer (TM) or Ghost Channeler of The Holy Spirit (TM) being interviewed about the angry Jesus who makes your eyeballs melt.

First, we learn that 40 percent (sounds high to me, but it's what I heard them say) of the people who voted for Bush in the last election identify themselves as "evangelical Christians," in other words they might pick up any old book and believe every word in it as long as it says B-I-B-L-E song on the front.

(I don't know if I've ever told any of you the story, which isn't really a story, about my high school best friend -- Satan (oddly, as it turns out) -- and her evangelical part-time childhood babysitter. It seems that said babysitter told Satan (who has a name, but I don't use it anymore) that the Devil lived inside her because she didn't attend Sunday school (what a rake-'em-in title that is!) and so she believed this was literally true. For several days. Later, after being disabused of this notion, she believed that the Devil lived at Belcher's liquor store (R.I.P.), because that was where her granddaddy bought his snort or ten.)

LeHaye was suitably creepy and talked about Ass-Whuppin' Jesus (TM) and how it was all in the Bible; apparently not, according to the biblical experts on the show. And even though I read Revelation every time I got dragged into the steeple I know I don't remember any of this "serious debate" about whether or not your contact lenses and false limbs will still be here following The Rapture (TM, Tim LeHaye). You have to love any news feature with the phrase "the British Tim LeHaye of 200 years ago" in it.

The reason I burden y'all with this is because the real reason these books exist was revealed to me -- like in a vision or a stupor: it's all just really long-sighted marketing.

Yes, I kid you not, Mr. LeHaye hopes that these books will sell even better after The Rapture. (It hardly seems fair that those of us stuck here on E-A-R-T-H, including according to him Catholics and Baptists and anyone else non-evang-take-the-word-for-it-and-I-mean-take-the-word-exactly-elical, will still have to contend with such literary excrement as the Left Behind books but sinners can't hope for blessings...)

That is all. Sleep tight and dream of the Pretty Apocalypse (TM) which will soon come.

worm: "Crank," Catherine Wheel

thingy/s to check out: Christopher Barzak's new journalscape home

namecheck: O "I owe you an email" Elfalan

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