The world, it seems, is testing me. Literally, in that I had to get a follow-up MRI this week, as my balance is not improving. At times I swear it's getting worse, so the surgeon wanted one last check.

My hubby's boss will be losing his office space (that he's gotten for FREE for TWO YEARS) at the end of this month. Which just may mean, hubby will be losing his job, part time though it's been. Which means, money will soon get tighter than its ever been for us.

My oldest son - I am working to cultivate a trust relationship with him, one of safety. Since I've also cut WAY back on my wine consumption (to one 6oz glass a night with dinner), I feel his trust will be easier to earn. He's hidden a lot from us and it's time we got stuff into the open, so he can see clearly (from a position of love and strength, rather than fear and weakness) his way to the future.

A part of that has been encouraging him to join the gym. He first got a one week guest membership - now he's on a month membership. If he keeps going with me, which I hope he will, then he'll think seriously about getting a two-year membership (which he can afford). I've already told him I'm not the caretaker of his relationship with his father. If he wants to improve that, he can, but it will have to come from him (or from his father) and not from me. (His dad scares the shit out of him, and that just is so sad.)

Which brings me to my weight. I MUST lose some poundage. People look at me and they don't see FAT, but it's there. I can feel it in my knees, in how I can't do some exercises because my belly gets in the way, in the way my clothes don't fit. (Which is why I'm going to the gym and cutting WAY back on the alcohol, too.)

My youngest son has started community college this summer, with an 8am French 1 class (he took three years in high school - so this is reinforcement), and a 6pm multimedia graphics class. He's already enrolled in 13 units for fall, too - as classes are steadily filling up for fall. (It's insane, the way the economy has ruined the college system here in Cali...but that's another posting, lol.) Watching him grow just in the week he's been at college has been an eye opener.

The whole being-a-published-author thing? Well, it's almost like it never happened - except people you don't know think you know the world now, because you've been published. Yeah, um no. Doesn't work that way. I'm just as insecure and terrified as ever. Reviews are few, despite my efforts on that front. On the good side, I've gotten terrific feedback from a friend whose opinion I value highly - and she's not the paranormal romance type of person, so her compliments really made me feel good.

I'm still learning. Still growing. If you go up to the website at the top, then go to the blog posting on the Summer Solstice, you'll see the posting about TARA. Here are her parting words that I'm working to live by.

"There is no secret. No magic pill. No magic liquid. No magic nothing. There is only sweat. Only commitment. Only change. Only desire. Only the will to do whatever it takes no matter what. You want this bad enough, you will go out there and get it. You will end the excuses. You will make the changes...

Ask yourself ~ Do you want it bad enough? ~ I do. Whatever it takes. I do.