I have just been reading in reverendmother blog. What a lady!. I am not a member of her church or religion. I do have my own, but Truth is where Truth is found. I see what this type of journal can be, what it may, and how I can use it for my growth and betterment. I only wish she were here to hold my hand!!! I have sort of lost my way since moving to DC. I had my church family in IL, they knew me and I knew them. I knew who to call if I needed someone to talk to, if there was a dire need, and they knew when to call me-sometimes I would be the only responder. There were times when I was strong in my faith and service, then my daughter got pregnant as a teenager and all went to hell in a handbasket. We felt judged, hung to dry. some made snide comments, one friend (couple who had 10 kids and knew true love of Christ) stood by us. Then my daughter got excommunicated because she stayed with the guy and I refused to let her get married. She was 16, learning to be a mother, wife and student was more than she could handle. We (her dad & I) were seeing through the guy. Later on she told me that if she hadn't gotten pregnant, she would've broken up with him before the baby came. I told her she should have split with him way before. We offered her our support and help with the breakup. Five years later it happened.

In the time I started going back to services. I still felt judgment by some, but had a new bishop (minister) and a new ward (parrish). Still I couldn't go regularly. I believed in the teachings, but having some former friends turn their backs when they saw me, ate at me and made my husband mad when I would come home hurt. Others did try, but my heart had hardened a little. Then one of the one's who didn't turn away asked me to teach the young ladies (14yr-18yr old group) to crochet and we made it a charity project. My heart started to go back home.

I would go to church on Sunday and friends would make sure I was welcomed. Comfort grew. then my husband got the job in DC. I was alone in the house for how long we didn't know. I asked the bishop for some type of job in the church to help maintain me. I have alcoholic tendencies and could feel the weakening. He was a wise man, before I left that room I had a job-a calling, Sunday school teacher for the adults. I loved teaching, it was humbling, I was teaching those who taught me for so many years and occaisionally I was calling one for help on the side. He is my friends husband and usually we would end up talking-the 3 of us. I miss her and him so much. Then, with in 4 months I was joining my husband here on a job transfer. We did not expect it to happen that fast-normally would take 1year plus.

I have not been able to break my shell to start here as strong as I was there. I teach the crochet class and do the hats and scarfs for the charity project, but the sense of belonging is missing. My husband isn't comfortable with the building we are in-2 level with small key controlled elevator. It has been broken too many times when he has come with his wheelchair. I know I am using his excuses instead of my own. I need to start going back steady, but--I need to forget the buts, the ifs, the whens (a new building is getting built but it will be 2-3 years). I know all of this, and Sunday comes and goes and I don't go to church, I don't walk the 1/2 mile to get to the building-I won't drive in DC proper and there is NO reserved parking-well there is a small lot in the back that my husband has the key to. and I know I can get a ride. When will I - I don't know. My scriptures are out, the moving we did 2 weeks ago brought all the books out of hiding and now my bright yellow bag sits on the bookshelf reminding me.

I don't know why this all came out, but it needed to.