I can't sleep. I am tired, but thoughts keep running around in my mind and I know when that happens, the best thing is to get them out.

I have been thinking over all my goals and some of the things that I have written about what I want to accomplish both at work and at home. The problem is that time-there is only 24 hours in a day.

Work-Do I really want to get myself into a position for a more demanding job-do I want to expand the energy at work, in training, in learning and doing for a career that I know I can end in 5 years or that I can continue for the next 10-15-it would be my choice. If I did continue working for that time frame, will I be willing to delegate writing to a back seat time frame, since I still need to continue crocheting for my peace of mind? How do others deal with all of this? Right now, at work, I can "skate by" doing minimal, still accetable work, but I am getting bored. I can and I am accepting additional duties, but not anything that is leading to a higher paying job (yet). The blizzard of 10 slowed that down.

If I want to write professionally, I need some training.

I have started a novel, but have put it by, since the only time I worked on it was when I was "skating" and that really is not a good thing to do, can get you fired. I did try to work on it only at lunch, but made me late back to work-so that wasn't a good idea either. I need to have someone read it, I don't have an outline, I don't even have a word count, but the story keeps growing and I am still interested in it. Don't even really know what genre to call it-not quite mystery, not quite crime and not romance yet, but a mix.

Back to original question, I can "retire" when I turn 55, my age plus my time with the government will equal 80 years. I won't collect social security, and my thrift savings will be minimal, since I have not been able to deposit much since my pay check was always needed to support family-and still is. Life never changes. So I will probably work till I am able to collect social security which should be when I am 65. (I think I will qualify then, Oh lord I hope so, since I started working when I turned 16 and only had 5 years with out social security income and 5 years additional without wages at all. I can legally write and publish, i.e. make money while still employed at my current job-just have to get permission before I actually sell work. I have never sold written work before, but have sold handcrafted items, I know that part of the deal. And my work will not be detrimental to the image of my agency, there shouldn't be a problem -if I ever get to that point. It is just all of the effort to do both=advance a career to be making more money and to also be teaching myself a craft that I have not practiced with any real regularity since high school-back then I wrote alot! I know I am rambling, but this is not something I can present to my hubby, he is too close to me to really help. If any of you writers are still reading this boring journal, and have any ideas to pass on, I am open minded. At work, I can get lost reading some of your journals-(which I have to stop doing no matter how little actual work I have)

I guess the bottom line is that I WANT IT ALL!!!!!!! I want the steady income from my day job. I want the increase in income and responsibility that is potentially there. And I want the ability to develop the writing skill. But do I want it enough to give up the 'free' time-the T.V. time? That is the $64million question. Do I have that type of discipline? I don't know. What would hold me accountable-do I want it bad enough? That is the question going round and round and round.

Time to play some solitaire until it stops for the night. Tomorrow, clean the apartment, grocery shop, make soup, talk to hubby, and see if anyone has answered my plea for help by the end of next week. I should have my own answers too. Good night for now.