You may not be able to tell it from here, but I do tend to internalize a lot of things. I try to work it out in my brain, talk to myself etc. before I approach the other person with a problem. Well, last night the tv didn't go right on when I came home. I got home first-I didn't call him all day, I didn't text him until I actually walked in the door-just to say that I was home. Usually I text him while I am waiting for the bus, usually we talk on the phone, or meet for lunch or email each other-we work in the same building for goodness sake! He made a comment about no phone call and told him that I was extremely busy-(after all he could've called too).

Things were quiet for a few minutes then, well, I don't really know what started the conversation off, but something did-first it was my fault for not carrying on with a conversation he wanted to have on Tuesday-I asked what conversation, he couldn't remember. Then I asked about Wednesday-when most of his conversation was about how the women looked on tv, (after he had given his update of work). Then I explained how when I don't pay strict attention to him I pay for it the next day-giving the example of Wednesday night and Thursday morning. He went back to the comment I made about his remarks about the women on tv. This happened twice. We did a complete circle in the conversation- then I blew up. I literally yelled-"If those comments really meant that much to me, my self esteem would've been in the toilet years ago, that is NOT the problem. You are ignoring what I am telling you. This is the problem. IF I DON'T PAY 100% ATTENTION TO YOU ALL NIGHT LONG THEN I PAY FOR IT THE NEXT DAY WITH SMART ASS COMMENTS AND SARCASM AND SNIPING!! AND IF IT CHANGED MAYBE I COULD STOP CALLING IN SICK SO MUCH!" Caught his attention. I haven't raised my voice that way in a longgggggg time.

He questioned why last week was so pleasant-and I told him, I changed my behavior to pay attention to him 100%-I didn't concentrate on anything else. He didn't believe me. I grabbed the baby afghan that is still just 1/3 of the way done-usually this thing would be done now. Even though I ripped it out several times, I have now found a 'brainless' pattern for it. But, I cannot do it and still concentrate that much on him. I showed him that. I think it hit home.

Now we go into the "It's all my fault" from him. I try to tell him, we can both change-I am not asking for everynight-all night to myself; lets schedule it on the calendar. what nights-can I veg-let me 'disappear'without the constant 100% attention to you. He doesn't want to put anything in writing cause things happen. huh? If we are both home, what's the problem?

Then all night he has the hurt puppy dog eyes-it's the guilt play, but this time I am not guilty. I need space. I was almost in tears yesterday at work. I ended up talking to another woman here. She has gone through the same thing. She even changed her work schedule to get one day home alone, and her husband changed his to match her new schedule. We love you guys, but sometimes we do need our space. A LOT OF SPACE! Eric-you and Mary are lucky-maybe you two can share your survival tips-especially since you are housebound in the winter!!!!

I don't know what else I can do. I think that I am going to print out some of these journal pages for the counselor and/or give her the addy. I know this gives my end of things-not his. I know hubby love me and I love him otherwise I would be gone.