I had the first visit with the counselor (a doctor) yesterday. Came up with the perfect word for what I am feeling in my relationship- caged. I told her about this site. And, Teri, I told her about your comments that I have been on this merry go round for at least 20 years. What has changed-my coping mechanisms aren't here-they are in Illinois-the diversions that would allow space. So now it is closing in harder. What is funny, is that he wasn't always like this-while he was in the Army, he was active, he was on a bowling league, he ran, he had outside interests. It has gotten worse since he ended in the wheelchair and now out here it is even worse. I know it isn't all his fault, change is going to be hard for him. He is not a very secure person-never has been. She asked if he would be open to coming in. I had broached that before with him, he wasn't very open-she asked that I approach it again. When I finally got home (had crochet last night) I did.

I didn't open any conversation right up, but he said I was different. Of course I was, a lot more came out that I had to think about. First of all, I am not going crazy, it is not just me, I am not asking for unusual things, and space is needed and normal. (The counselor did say that with his insecurity, the more outgoing or separatness I needed the more he would hold on.) I told him that the counselor asked if he would come to the next session. That it would be beneficial to both of us. He made a snarky comment about him being "wrong" and I tried to explain that it was for communication for both of us. I asked him if he was truly happy. He couldn't answer that. I told him I wanted our marriage to last more than 5 more years. Because if this keeps up, I can't see us lasting. Even with the counseling, if things don't change, I can't see us growing old together like I use to. He's coming.

The next visit is the day after my birthday so I said we could make a date night out of it. You may of thought that I asked for diamonds!! But there are restaurants right across the street from the office. It will work. Since he gets 4 visits and I get 4 visits from EAP- we may be able to work this out with out having to pay out of pocket. Otherwise it may cost $180/per visit, or $90 per visit. I like the doctor-I was very comfortable.

Other matters-crocheting-there were only 3 of us there last night. We talked a bit and crocheted some. I don't think that the shawl idea really took off this year. I did come up with another idea, that may work better. If I can get the ladies to each make 1 granny square 6x6 or 9x9, and then I put them together-we give it to someone within our church that "needs" it in conjunction with service work that is being done for them. That may be a better idea. I also shared idea of making items for police dept. to bring with them when they have a domestic disturbance call-for childrent/teenagers that have to be removed from the home. We'll see what happens, I have to make it to church to share ideas.