Warning if you want to skip, please do. Lots of rant on same old topic, but need to get it out. By the time we get to counselor, we may not need her!

Last night we went out to supper to celebrate my birthday and have a date night. This was planned around the now cancelled counselor's visit. So I walk the 5 blocks to the restaurant,(after all why get on the metro for only one stop-his reasoning way back when. I wasn't expecting to walk that far when I left the house in the morning, wasn't prepared for it but I let him pick the restaurant and I like the place.) Anyway it starts off ok, but when I suggest getting the combo started-yes pricey, but I am thinking lunch for today since I will be coming in to work and being alone at the secretary's desk and it will save time to have it, he basically nixes the idea. "Figure out what you want for the main course then pick the starter." Ok, we're playing that game. I pick, then he does, and I chose a starter I know he likes because it is easier. The combo had stuff we both like-he didn't see that. He was only looking at price. So we're talking and it's going ok. Steering away from any type of controversy. I am trying to keep it up beat. Then he makes a comment about the gift we are planning on giving DD for her birthday. No problem. The he talks about how surprise she was about her anniversary gift-and I say that it was a little over the top, but that we were expecting her to use it on her house, not on contacts for her husband, but it is up to them. And the conversation goes on but he says something that he can tells upsets me a little. And he comments on it. Then he says that he has always taken care of me first then the kids.

Oh no he didn't. I haven't had my eyes checked in over 6 years. Lets not talk about the dentist. There is always something needed for the kids. And gifts for holidays, birthdays etc. Well lets say, the kids had their gifts planned out way before mine-he didn't even order mine until I told him I was buying for him!! (Christmas-and they didn't make it in time because of snow) He waits until the last minute for me, and when I say kids, I mean my daughter first.) I told him that last night. He was shocked. I told him the check book would prove it. It has gotten worse over the past 3 years since we moved out here. Yes, he has gotten me nice gifts, but somehow they feel like "guilt gifts". For 3 years he has promised me a cat/kitten-nope no mention recently, besideds the 'yeah I know' comment when I see one on tv that is really cute.

To top it off, he has been trying to not be so 'clinging' & demanding at night for the past month, but my antennae are still up. I am still sensitive to it. He expects "one month of trying" on his part to overrule years of behavior. I tried to tell him that I know he is working on the behavior, but MY FEELINGS can't change that fast. He was upset that I still had those feelings, what else could he do? I told him I didn't know, except continue what he had been doing. I don't think that he realizes time is what is going to be needed; he started acting as if it was all too much for him. Then I made the most awful mistake-I asked him to still be around when I got back from my trip to visit my sister;I tried to explain that rejection from him would be more than I can take, but he was not hearing me. I had to lay out that I have been rejected as a child by birth parents and as adopted parents. (yes-they may have loved me in a way, but not accepting me as me is rejection and my parents never did. My father finally proved that.)

Buy the time dinner was over, we were talking, but I couldn't enjoy the 'birthday' dessert. My stomach was in knots. I don't know if I made matters worse or not. The whole thing is like an elephant in the room. Everytime I say something, he's saying, "I'm sorry, I have to remember not to do that." It's like I'm a total bitch or something. I don't think that I am. I think this break is going to do us good.

Needless to say no writing or crocheting got done. There's just too much emotional drama going on.