I think that this time my husband is scared. More than scared. The main fact that he got out of all our talking/arguing etc, is that I was afraid to tell him the whole of what I was feeling. It didn't matter that I was afraid for him, how his emotions would take it, jus the fact that fear was involved in any way. Now he has it that no matter what happens I will always have a doubt. I may have doubt for awhile and I told him that true change takes time. It doesn't happen overnight. I told him that we both contributed to the problem-me by not standing firmly and backsliding, allowing him to get away with it. My fear of losing him over powered my need for self. Fear of abandoment is a strong motivator when you have been abandoned as a child. He doesn't quite understand since he said that he could never leave me. What was heart breaking on my part was him crying, Teri I know you are reading this. My husband eyes were red rimmed when he got home, he had been crying at work-breaking down. He ended up telling me that "If I knew back when we first met, what I would put you through, what I know now; I would walk away not to cause you the hurt I have caused you. It is not worth the pain I have seen in your eyes the past months that I have not been able to figure out where it came frome. I cannot forgive myself for causing it. That is what is hurting me."

That is what tells me that there is hope. That he truly understands what is at stake and that he loves me. I have told him that I have no intention of leaving him. Now that we both understand some of the problems, we can work on it together, but that we do need outside help to do it, we cannot do it ourselves. We need the guidance of a third party that we both can trust.

He keeps on saying "Whatever you want." Generaly speaking like since he's had his way for so long now it's my turn. He said that since the pendulumn has been on his side for so long now it has to swing the other way. I told him now, now we have to find the right balance, the right compromise with dealing with each other, to make both of us happy-not all was bad, so lets not throw everything out.

It was an emotional talk, an overdue talk, and I know that there are alot more coming. But I also know that we need help for us to overcome it. Sorry for taking so much time here-just wanted to let everyone know that he's waking up. I have never seen him so broken up. I hope not to be talking about this here much more. Teri, I may email you-but the rest s/b private. (unless it is really positive) Oh and he brought up needing to get a tool to clean pet hair in a vehicle as well as in the apartment because we should be getting a cat soon. So he hasn't forgotten.

Almost done packing. Tomorrow I leave. Yeah.