I should say "Here we go again!"

Last night he had to work 1.5 hours credit at home. OK. And we had set to play Scrabble after that. So, we ate, he worked and I watched tv, sort of, dozed off a little. At quarter to 8 he said, "why don't you go to bed?" I said, "I am just waiting, I am alright."

Sorry for the following but I can't post where I want to and I need to get this off my chest now!

I set up the game and we have a good time, I think. After it finishes. We start talking, and apparently my DH doesn't think that it really wasn't that fun cause it was "just like a couple of friends playing not husband and wife". HUH? I ask what does he mean. Well, apparently I got too competative for him. NO inuendos going back and forth. I have been to0 "ME", I have been putting me first instead of family. A whole lot comes out of that simple question. NO such thing as a simple question. I finally get it. I haven't been "asking permission" to do things. I have been telling him-I am getting my hair cut. I am ----. fill in the blank. I don't talk over every little thing with him and he takes that to mean that I am putting myself first. I told him that I have to take care of myself. I have to keep myself healthy in order to deal with everything. He asks why I don't rely on him to "take care of you since that was part of the vows". I ask him where-he says - the for better or worse. I said that doesn't mean I don't take care of myself first- then get help if I need it. (I had an lightbulb moment then but didn't tell him-I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND GET HELP WHEN I NEED IT) He doesn't like this because it means I am able to do without him. I don't need him to survive. The dynamics of our relationship are changing and he is scared. He also mentioned that he feels that he only gets me only 10% of the time we are home. That I am too busy with other things. So I asked him describe his perfect evening. He says he can't because he would need to "put you first." Catch 22-not falling for it. Not this time. From the reading on the BPD board, this is a hook. This is the "I am only doing it for you" Yeah right. 31 years later I think I have learned.

Now to keep it going. It isn't going to be easy. He mentioned divorce. He asked why I don't "trust me to make the decisions." I told him because my wishes and thoughts have been brushed aside too often. I have to stand up for myself now. He asked for concrete examples. The first one I brought up happened when my kids were in grade school and I got real sick-I was hot then cold on the couch-3 afghans and all he could say was "you can't be that cold." He went to work, Teri was going to take the kids as a treat, she wasn't feeling well and was going to cancel, I asked her to take them so I could get rest. She said that if I was that sick, she was taking me to the ER. I had pnemonia.(sp?) "Oh your bringing up something that far back!" was the response. OK, how about when we were looking at houses and I specificly said that we didn't want laundry in the basement, when we looked at the house everyone saw every nook of the basement except for me and I was told by you,"You don't need to see that part honey, its a good closet. I like this house." When I brought up the laundry area, you said it was a good place-in the basement! (that was 11 years ago this month) I didn't bring up the other times. But there are alot of times when the 'taking care of' didn't work. At least 1 other time I ended up in the hospital in life/death situation that could've been avoided if he had listened to me. But I wasn't sick enough according to what he saw. So yeah, a little of the trust in his judgement is gone.

I know that he is scared. He wants to hold on tight. I tried to tell him that the tighter he grabs the more he loses. That being married doesn't mean that each partner stops being an individual. He doesn't see it that way because according to him "I don't want to go back into the cacoon." He never was truly a free individual. And there is the problem-I had found my individuality. hard won, but, I had found it and I am digging it back out to the light. But as I do so, I have to be careful-he needs to find his and I need to help him.