It has been a good weekend. But has anyone ever had a really bad memory come out of nowhere and destroy you? I guess with things that I have been reading, and stuff that has been happeing this summer, my brain had decided that it was time I dealt with things that I forgot about-things that I never told anyone about because, well, I felt it was my fault it happened in the first place. It all came to the forefront Saturday night and Sunday morning. And it shook hubby up. Bad. On Saturday I told him he did something to me that he hadn't done. I know he hadn't done it, but it seemed so real. One memory was superimposing itself on another. It was so real. He flat out told me that if he had done what I said, he would be leaving right then. I told him no-something was wrong with the memory-but I couldn't tell what. By Sunday morning it broke through and I was sobbing. I remembered all of it. And I told him all of it. If you want to skip this please do so.

I was going on 21. I had gone home and just arrived back on post. It was April. I was calling home to let my folks know I arrived ok. I was talking to them, when I was told to evacuate the building, there was a bomb in the barracks next to ours. (military intelligience got these scares and tests all the times). I hung up and went to the barracks and floor I was suppose to. I met up with a sargeant that I knew. We were friends-so I thought. The floor I was on did not have any female latrines-only male ones. The latrines were the 'safety zones'. Don't ask why. Long story short-I was raped. There weren't many folks around that weekend, and I was not able to get away. Because I was with someone I knew of superior rank, and I had gone willingly, I knew my side wouldn't be believed. There was no real physical damage-no rips but something changed that night. Two days later that sarge cornered me and told me that he had "told his wife what happened and if there was a child, they would adopt it." He made it sound like I agreed to have sex with him. I didn't!!! I never told anybody. I hid myself-became a loner. Shortly after that I had a nervous breakdown and had to switch jobs. You know, I never put that together-maybe it wasn't the job that did it all, but the other stress. Hmmm.

Anyway, this all came out this weekend. Poor hubby-after 30 years, why now? Because I am taking care of myself? all he could tell me was that "It wasn't your fault. I love you." and he held me. He was crying too. And yet, later when we both calmed down, he thanked me for being able to tell him. For trusting him enough to tell him. I don't know why I forgot for so long, I really didn't want to remember that night-now I want to put it behind me. But there is a lesson in there I think. I just need to find what it means for me.