I can't post it to where I want to and I need to write it while it is fresh.

Last night I had a migraine that started on the way home only I thought it was a regular headache. We were both on the bus since his metrorail stop elevator is down indefinately and we thought it would be fun to comute together. I know, what was I thinking. Anyway, I am sitting behind him-his wheelchair space makes it hard to talk. By the time we get off the bus, he is saying that I am out of it. We walk home and he's saying, "are you making supper". I agree to and start looking up recipes to make Lamp shoulder chops. but we don't have all the ingredients and by this time I realize that my headache is a migraine. I tell him that I have to take my meds and lay down. He offers to rub my neck-that sometimes helps loosen the neck muscles. He does and I lay down and fall asleep-normal reaction to my meds. All of a sudden, hubby is bed, and is "making moves" I try telling him I am not able, I am still in pain and am still sleepy. He gets upset cause he was just trying to make me comfortable. HUH? I was asleep!! I was comfortable. Now my head is throbbing again, and it is way too soon to take any more med. He moves to his back and puts his CPAP machine on, I look at the clock-I have been laying down barely 45 minutes. I ask him what is he going to eat, and say it is too early for him to be going to bed. He jumps out of bed saying "I knew you were staying in bed all night! I was only trying to comfort you! Leave me alone! Whatever room you are in I will be in a different room!" I hurt too much to follow him-I went back to sleep.

2 hours later I wake up and the place is dark. I get up and go into the den. He tells me not to put on the light. There are only two options and he really likes option 1. He felt really good with option 1, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. I just sat there and listened to him go on and on about how good this option was for him. This option was DIVORCE. But he continues, he realizes, that "You have become use to a certain level of entertainment and lifestyle, especially since we have moved here. So I can't do that to you. So you can have friends and boyfriends and I will sleep in my chair and clean the apartment, and we will stay together." HUH???!!!

I tell him that makes no sense, and we sort of work things somewhat calmer, but things are still rocky. Every sentence he says has a very sharp edge and unfortunately, I responded to one of them before we went to bed last night. It has carried over today. Maybe divorce would be best for the both of us. Stop the merry-go-round. If option 1 felt so good for him, (and actually I almost felt a calm relief too) it may be something for us. I don't know anymore. It would be hard-and finacially tight. I don't think that he really wants it, he just wants total mind controll and he is not getting it.

I cannot control my migraines, I cannot allow his sexual need/want to overrule my health either. He calls me beautiful-I know what I look like. He likes risque clothing and I am not a sex goddes if you will, so I don't like the same things. Even with the weight I have loss, I am not a Bridget Bardot. (close when I was younger)But he doesn't understand my self image doesn't match his image of me. Or what he wants his image of me to be. And he can't understand how I "don't believe him" when he calls me beautiful. I am not ugly, but I know the truth.