"The hardest part for me is not having any joy in life any longer.

You were my deepest joy.

Yeah sure Lulu and Nellie are joys in my heart as well.

However, when I have endeared so much to you and find now that it was causing 99.999999999999% of our recent problems because I had fallen even deeper in love with you and wanted to share it with you by being with you, how can anyone retain any joy, let alone emotions for anyone or anything else.

I will continue by breathing the same air as you when you want to be in the same area as me in the future, but I cannot guarantee anything from me as I feel like I am making myself into a shell to stop the misunderstandings and the fights in order to breath another breath.

I still love you, but I wish it could be more if it were not for me."


I recieved from dh after eating lunch with him today. The trigger- was me coming home last night and not wanting to jump into bed but answering yes when he asked if he should make supper. (which is something that he said he would do when I got home-we planned it in the morning-it was 6:15 at night, we leave the house before 6 am, bedtime is around 9, I need at least an hour after I eat before I lay down.)

I will be putting this on the other place later.

This came later:
" AM SORRY.

I do not have much of a history before meeting you nor did I have much of any examples of life before meeting you. I have been trying to learn as I go along, yet I fail at every turn. I am at a part of my life again where I wanted to be wanted, held, and understood, but it seems I fell way short. Many parts of me are failing me, but I did not want to fail you, yet I do. I just wanted/needed you to understand me, but you often times state you do not understand me. I just wanted/needed to be around you, it did not matter whether it was for love, just being held after long days is what I desired. All I wanted was to view your beauty, the only person who came into my life and was willing to do so, but I failed to make you understand my needs and wants and desires and hopes as well. I have tried to reach out for help, but when the response seems to miss what I am asking for or understand what I was trying to say, I can only give up in the end. Yet through all of this, I just ..............

I AM SORRY.

I LOVE YOU!!!