Dh and I had a series of conversations over the past two weeks or so and they have been very enlightening. I have come to realize that I take advantage of him. If I don't want to do something, I just don't do it. Yup, this old girl has gotten real lazy. He'll do it. I don't know why or when I picked up this nasty habit. But it is a bad one. It has hurt our relationship. Part of it came from a time when he wouldn't let me do anything at all because my asthma and migraines were so out of control. And we didn't know what was causing them. But right before that, I was the one doing everything. And trying to teach the kids to do-I was the b***ch. I had to push, and cancel birthday parties. I had to be the mean one. And I think I got tired of it all. If they didn't care, why should I. Especially at this time when dh was home because he couldn't find a job. or he was working part time. Now, I was never the worlds best housekeeper-clutter is and will always be a part of my life-but dishes and laundry started to overwhelm me when the kids hit 4th and 5th grade. I just couldn't keep up anymore and it was a fight all the time. And unless there was a real good reason I just tried to keep a decent level of things going. We eventually got the kids going on chores-but it was my fight to do. DH would go overboard on punishments if they weren't done 'perfect'. I just wanted them done! If kid didn't wash dishes good on Monday-they he had to wash them on Tuesday-each dirty dish would pile up until we got to ones we could eat off of; dd learned quickly. DS took a little longer. But Dh wanted to ground and make dishes a weekly or longer punishment-ie you will wash dishes until they are always clean. Uh, doesn't work-mother did that one with me. They were never good enough. So the battles started. And I retreated. It was easier then to give up. I had fought my mother for too many years. If dh could do it better, let him do it ALL. Now it has come round to hurt him. If we do laundry together, I let him set the pace, cause I can do it a lot faster on my own. He does it differently and it doesn't work the same. But we are starting to work together, and he is learning that he doesn't know it all, that his way is not the only way. And I am learning that I cannot be lazy and let him do it all.

I CAN NOT LET HIM DO IT ALL ANY MORE. It is not good for me mentally, physically, or spiritually. It has given him control over me. When he does whatever he has told me not to do-I have usually said I will do it anyway, then I get lazy. Those are my first and second mistakes. If I say I am going to do something, then I need to do it. That has to be my boundary with myself. Especially if it is something I don't like to do. That will stop the second mistake of getting lazy. and that will stop the control-just because DH thinks that I am not capable of doing something, because he thinks that I am not well-doesn't mean that I AM NOT well. I need to be the judge of myself. And if he is right that I am not my best and I know that I need to reserve my strength for work or for something that we are going to do together, then I need to remember not to push and say that I am going to do whatever. I need to know myself. But not to be lazy about it either. I know this doesn't put in the best light, but I am human. If I can tell you his worse faults, I should be able to tell you mine too. Otherwise, this journal will not help me at all.

So, first-I will monitor how I am feeling and that will determine what I will or won't do. If I know that I am not able to do something I will not say that I will do it. If I find that I can do something, then no matter what, I will do it. It is not just up to DH anymore. And I cannot let him do it all-cause he doesn't feel good either,.