I was thinking about rhubarb's journal entry last night. Occaisionally I get the 'what ifs'. I think that we all do. I can start at the very begining of my life-what if my birth mother had not put me and then my sister into state run foster care? Who knows what would have happened then. What if she hadn't released us for adoption when she did?well medical advise-my sister would have been legally blind before her 5th birthday and would most likely have died of starvation before my 7th (if the state didn't catch on what the foster mother was doing). So I am glad that what if was different. What if I had told the judge "no" when he asked if I agreed to be adopted? See previous sentence. That was my first decision. A big one for a 5 year old-you think? What if I had decided to take my recruiter up on trying for West Point-first female class? (fear of failure-or really fear of looking like a failure to my adopted mother if I didn't make it through the process-very few did, influenced that decision.)Side note the other female candidate from my state didn't finish-I was afraid because of the physical fitness portion-she was an athlete! But what if I went and graduated-then I would not be here, and I would not be whom I am.

And I think that is what is important for all of us to remember. Each of our decisions makes us. The decisions don't break us-we do that to ourselves, but our decisions or lack of, form us and guide us, enrich us in ways we don't even dream about. I have had a great life-I have 2 children, 3 grandchildren, a loving husband (warts and all), I have people in my life than I know I can call on if I need them. I have experienced things that I could not have dreamed of when I day dreamed about my future. I met people in the Army and did things that my active imagination didn't prepare me for-good and bad. But all of that is what life is about. No path is smooth-no matter what the Cinderalla stories tell you. Even riding off into the sunset-well, the sun does rise the next day. So maybe we need to let our youth know that it is not so much a right or wrong decision that they are making about their future, but it is a decision that will impact who and what they are.

Last night DH & I watch the movie Heith Ledger played in- A Knights Tale. At the end his friends-closest companions and the love of his life are telling him to run away. He is a commoner pretending to be a foriegn knight and has been found out. He doesn't run away. His decisions up to that point led him to the final decision, even though he knows that his public pride will be taken away, his self pride is that of a true knight, for that is what he has always been. Of course his friends back him in the end, and he becomes a knight, but he faces his decisions-and that is what a lot of us don't like doing.

We don't want to face the results of the accumalations of our decisions. And that is when we really look at the 'what ifs'. When a decision we made way back when bites us in the rear end. Ouch. But you know, that leads us to make another decision-what can we do to change our circumnstance? Our attitude? My co-worker from hell told me this morning that I have been a lot more peaceful lately. And yes, I have been-still frustrated at things, but I have changed how I look at things. If it is something I can change, then it is up to me-if it is not,then not my problem, not my worry. End of story.

Have a great weekend everyone. Sorry for the soapbox, but deep thoughts.