TT has known me a majority of my life and probably knows how messed up I am. So when she points out something, I HAVE to listen.

I wrote this mornings entry really believing it. Honestly believing it. Now, I am not sure. Oh, I love DH. But TT is right when she says that I am not truly living. The only social contact I have is DH and my visits to the yarn store and work. Work doesn't count.

DH and I have been doing everything together, and if the yarn store was handicap accessible, he would be in there listening.

Yesterday we were doing laundry and another renter came in. We have talked before. He is pleasant and he and I were carrying on a conversation. DH was in it a little, but not as much as the two of us. When the other renter left, DH made a comment that the other renter and I should get together cause he would be "better" for me and we seemed to get along. Now, there was no flirting and it was just a conversation, but this type of comment is coming more and more frequently. I know DH feels the changes that I have put in place. I have had to for my health's sake.

I guess I was enjoying the mild arguments with out the "I'm leaving and I am not taking any Identification with me" tantrums. But he does have me on a tether. We are together-constantly, and now he rides the bus home with me.

TT said that my rants have been following a pattern, I am going to have to read and notate what I am saying when-I didn't realize that.

I do know December is hard for DH-loss of Dad; January he loss mom, I loss favorite aunt, February my mom, March my dad( all different years). And some years it hits hard. This year it hit both of us hard.

I have been doing some reading today. I think that the abuse I suffered with my mom led me right to my DH. And Yes, I do love him. But I need to really figure this out. And I need to seek therapy. I dropped the ball there.